FOUR  SHORT  PLAYS 


OTHER  PLAYS  BY  CHARLES  FRED 
ERIC  N I RD LINGER  (already  published 
or  now  in  press) 

THE  FIRST  LADY  OF  THE  LAND 

(Produced  by  Elsie  Ferguson) 

THE    WORLD   AND   HIS    WIFE 

(Produced  by  William  F  aver  sham  in  the 
United  States,  and  by  Martin  Harvey  in 
London) 

THE   CONSUL 

(Produced  by  Louis  Mann) 

WASHINGTON'S  FIRST  DEFEAT 

(Produced  by  Arnold  Daly) 

THE  RUN  OF   THE  CARDS 

(Produced  by  the  C alburn  Players) 

SPANGLES 

(Produced  with  William  Elliott  and 
Georgia  O'Ramey  in  leading  roles) 

MARION  DE  LORME    (AN  ADAPTATION) 
MORE  THAN  QUEEN   (AN  ADAPTATION) 

(Produced  by  Julia  Arthur) 

MADAME    POMPADOUR 

(Produced  by  Sadie  Martinet) 

THE   SCANDAL   AT  BELCOURT'S 

THE   PARSON'S  BALLET 

THE  POSTHUMOUS  JEST   OF  DON  MENDOZA 

AN  AFTERNOON'S  HONEYMOON 


FOUR  SHORT  PLAYS 


LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE   AN  EVERYDAY  TRAGEDY 

BIG   KATE  A  DIPLOMATIC  TRAGEDY 

THE  REAL  PEOPLE      -      A  SAWDUST  TRAGEDY 
ARENT  THEY  WONDERS?  A  HOLIDAY  TRAGEDY 


BY 

CHARLES  FREDERIC  NIRDLINGER 


NEW  YORK 

MITCHELL  KENNERLEY 
1916 


COPYR.IGHT  IQl6  BY 
MITCHELL  KENNERLEY 


PRINTED  IN  AMERICA 


CONTENTS 

PAGE 

LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE  i 

BIG  KATE  31 

THE  REAL  PEOPLE  65 

AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS?  89 


382607 


LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE 

AN  EVERYDAY  TRAGEDY  IN  ONE  ACT 


THE  PERSONS  OF  THE  PLAY 

HUGH  STANHOPE 
ERIC  CRICHTON 
LOUISE  DRAYTON 
JAMISON 


LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE 


SCENE  I 

The  three  episodes  of  the  tragedy  hare  for  scene  the 
living-room  in  Hugh  Stanhope's  apartment.  Stanhope 
is  rich,  bachelor,  about  35:  and  the  room  is  furnished 
accordingly. 

At  rise  of  curtain,  Eric  Crichton,  Louise  Dray  ton 
and  Stanhope  are  seated  at  small  dining-table;  Louise 
•faxes  the  audience,  Crichton  at  right,  Stanhope  at  left. 
The  dinner  has  come  to  the  point  of  sweets  and 
fruit;  coffee  is  making  in  a  crystal  percolator.  Jami 
son,  the  servant,  places  cigars  and  cigarettes  on  table 
near  Stanhope,  then  exits,  with  tray  of  plates,  cover- 
dishes,  etc. 

There  is  a  slight  pause. 
CRICHTON  (offering  his  cigarette-case  to  Louise) 

Will  you  have  one? 
LOUISE  (formally) 

Thanks,  no. 
CRICHTON 

Kind  you  like. 

1LOTJISE 

No,  thank  you.    (Turns  to  Stanhope)     Evidently 
Rhoda  isn't  coming. 


LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE 


STANHOPE 

No,  she  didn't  think  she  could  get  here;  she  just 
'phoned  from  up  town — somewhere — on  the  way  to 
her  sister's.  They're  leaving  town  in  the  morning 
— and  Kitty  may  stay  over  night  to  see  them  off.  If 
she  doesn't,  she's  to  phone  before  nine  (Looks  at 
watch)  and  I'll  send  the  car  for  her.  It's  half-past 
now. 

LOUISE 

Sorry!  I  wanted  so  much  to  talk  with  her  this  eve 
ning. 

CRICHTON 

I'll  take  you  up  there,  if  you  like. 

LOUISE  (frostily) 
Thanks,  no ! 

STANHOPE 

What's  wrong  with  you  two? 
LOUISE  (with  elaborate  indifference) 
Nothing!  Why? 

STANHOPE 

You've  been  so  terribly  polite  to  each  other  since 

you  came  in.     You  usually  hold  hands  or  (Glances 

under  table)  touch  toes. 
LOUISE 

My  nerves  are  a  bit  upset,  to-night. 
CRICHTON 

And  for  no  reason  that  /  can  see. 

LOUISE  (smiling:  icily) 

You  wouldn't,  dear. 
STANHOPE  (cheerily) 

Good !    Have  it  out ! 


LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE 


LOUISE  (touching  Cricliton's  hand) 

Well,  he  is  a  dear — but  he  doesn't  understand 
women — and  never  will ! 

CRICHTON  (piqued) 

I  write  about  women.  And  some  people  say  I  do  it 
rather  well. 

LOUISE 

Yes,  but  the  women  you  create — in  your  stories — 
deal  only  with  gentlemen.  And  gentlemen  don't 
understand  women. 

STANHOPE 
Bromide! 

LOUISE 

No  !  I  never  saw  a  man  yet — a  real  man — that  under 
stands. — Only  men  I  ever  saw  who  knew  women — 
how  to  take  'em  and  how  to  handle  'em — were  either 
brutes  or  bounders. 
STANHOPE 


'ANHOPE 

Well,  you  hare  upset  your  nerves ! 

?TrwTnM 


CRICHTON 

And  just  from  brooding  over  trifles. — Now  it's  got 
to  end !  I'm  going  South  to-morrow — for  three,  four 
weeks — some  magazine  work — and  I  couldn't  do  it 
if  I  thought  of  you  worried  over  such  things — and 
lonely. — (To  Stanhope)  I'll  leave  it  to  you, 
Stan 

LOUISE 

You  will  not! 

CRICHTON 

But  on  the  way  here,  you  agreed 


6  LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE 

LOUISE 

I  thought  Rhoda  would  be  here — (Indicates  Stan 
hope)  He'd  side  with  you,  of  course.  You've  no 
right  to  know,  either  of  you. 

CRICHTON 

/  can't  help  know,  after  what  I  heard  at  your  apart 
ment 

LOUISE  (sharply) 

You'd  no  right  to  hear. 

CRICHTON 

Tried  not  to,  but — (To  Stanhope)  'mong  others 
— the  man  for  the  rent! — And  that's  always  a  very 
penetrating  voice. 

LOUISE  (plaintively) 

Don't  talk  about  it,  please. 

CRICHTON  (insisting) 

But,  my  dear  girl — we  must  talk. 

LOUISE  (puts  hand  over  ears) 
I  won't  listen — won't  listen ! 

\_She  leaves  the  table  m  a  burst  of  temper,  crosses  to 
piano,  and  plays  loudly.  Crichton  and  Stanhope,  in 
pantomime,  continue  the  discussion.  Then,  after 
some  seconds — during  which  Crichton  takes  cheque 
book  from  pocket  and  writes  out  a  cheque — 

STANHOPE 

Louise !  He's  quite  right.  (She  shakes  her  head  "no"; 
contmues  playing)  Why  not? 

LOUISE  (talking  over  her  shoulder) 

A  woman  can't  accept — that  sort  of  favor  from  the 
man  she  loves. 

CRICHTON 

But — why? 


LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE 


LOUISE 

She  just  can't — daren't — mustn't! 

CRICHTON  (insisting) 
Yes,  but  what  reason? 

LOUISE  (with  crescendo  on  the  piano-keys) 
Because!    Because!!    Because!!! 

STANHOPE  (with  mock  gravity,  imitating  the  crescendo) 
Three — perfectly — good  reasons  ! 

LOUISE  (playing  more  softly) 

It  isn't  a  thing  of  reason,  or  logic,  or  sense :  a  woman 

just  feels  it — an  intuition  that  warns  her  'gainst 

You  know  about  palmistry? 

CRICHTON 
A  little. 

LOUISE  (shows  her  palm) 

See  that  line?  (indicates  it)  There!  (they  peer  at 
her  palm)  That's  the  line  of — well,  of  a  "nice" 
woman. 

STANHOPE  (illuminating  it  with  his  cigarette) 
Not  very  deep,  is  it? 

LOUISE 

No — you  cynic ! — it's  tiny — a  mere  gossamer  thread. 
(to  Stanhope)  Don't  squeeze  my  hand — or  it'll  dis 
appear,  quite. — It's  extremely  sensitive,  that  line ; 
responds  to  every  trifle  of  a  woman's  life — the  slight 
est  act,  or  vagrant  thought. 

STANHOPE 

Still,  you  have  to  pay  your  rent. 
LOUISE 

I  shall  in  a  minute !  I'm  to  do  the  Japanese  Room  at 
Senator  Spudds'  new  house — and  Madame's  boudoir 
— and  they'll  pay  big. 


8  LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE 

CRICHTON 

But  Lord  knows  when!  You  know  how  those  rich 
people  are. 

LOUISE  (livening) 

I'll  ask  for  an  advance ! 
STANHOPE  (disapproving) 

Then  they'll  know  you  need  the  work — and  pay  you 

half  the  job's  worth. — Do  as  Eric  says. 
CRICHTON 

There's  no  other  way. 

STANHOPE 

Oh,  yes,  there  is.     (Louise  alert,  plays  very  softly) 
And  I'm  rather  hurt  you  haven't  thought  of  me. 
LOUISE  (turning  from  piano) 

You? — If  I  can't  let  Eric — who's  everything  in 
the  world  to  me — how  could  I  take  it  from  you — 
who's  nothing  at  all? 

STANHOPE 

That's  the  answer!  (Louise,  unconvinced,  resumes 
playing)  (Stanhope  insisting)  But  you're  going 
to  marry  Eric? 

LOUISE 
Yes. 

STANHOPE 

Well,  you'd  take  it,  if  you  were  his  wife. 
LOUISE  (still  playmg) 

O,  if  I  were  his  wife  we'd  be  married  .  .  .  and  that's 
very  different  from  being  in  love.  (The  two  men 
exchange  looks  of  amused  surprise  and  laugh  out 
right.) 


LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE  9 

LOUISE  (hurrying  on  as  she  turns  from  piano) 

Well,  you  know  what  I  mean!  When  you're  mar 
ried  you  don't  bother  about  ideals  and  principles — 
and  romance.  But  I  wouldn't  borrow  from  my 
husband — if  still  in  love  with  him.  My  sister  never 
does,  she  tells  me.  Because  if  she  forgets  to  pay  him 
back  he's  sore — and  if  he  Uts  her  pay  him  back,  she's 
sore  (A  'phone  rings  outside) 

STANHOPE  (eagerly) 

That's  probably  Rhoda. 

JAMISON  (at  door) 

Mr.  Winston — 'phones  to  ask  if  you'll  be  at  your 
club  this  evening? 

STANHOPE 

Yes.    Did  he  say  any  particular  time? 
JAMISON 

No,  sir;  just  asked  if  you'd  likely  be  there? 

STANHOPE 

Yes,  tell  him.   (Jamison  exits) 

Poor  chap's   all  in — since  the  break  with  Peggy — 

that  heartless  little ! 

LOUISE  (triumphant) 

There  you  are! — Just  what  we're  talking  about — 

and  right  to  the  point.  Winston  and  Peggy  Deane! 
STANHOPE 

Ugh— that  hoppy  little  flirt ! 

LOUISE 

Yes,  but  hoppy  about  Winston — and  his  best  model ! 
till  he  spoiled  it  all — killed  a  beautiful  romance  with 
—(disgusted)  shoes!     Actually  gave  her  shoes! 

CRICHTON 

She  probably  needed  them — to  walk  in. 


10  LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE 

LOUISE  (assenting) 

She  did — and  out — (gestures)  with  some  one  else. 
STANHOPE 

Can't  a  man  be  kind  to  a  woman  he's  in  love  with? 
LOUISE 

"Kind"  perhaps — but  not  useful! 
CRICHTON 

We  can't  be  pals  as  well  as — ? 
LOUISE   (interrupting) 

Not  at  the  same  time! 
CRICHTON 

The  things  she  must  have,  a  girl  must  get,  somehow. 
LOUISE  (assenting  "yes" ) 

And  she  will — but  not  from  the  man  she  cares  for 

(indicates  Crichton)  'specially  not  intimate  things — 

to  wear — like  shoes. 
STANHOPE 

Now,  come,  you  know  what  I  think  of  Rhoda. 
LOUISE 

Yes,  and  she  of  you. 

STANHOPE 

Well,  when  I  went  abroad  last  spring,  she  had  me 
bring  her  some  intimate  things — gloves. 
LOUISE 

Evening  gloves ! 

STANHOPE 

And  a  coat. 
LOUISE 

Lace  coat! 

STANHOPE 

Yes — and  stockings. 


LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE  11 

LOUISE 

Silk!— And  that's  different!  She  didn't  absolutely 
need  such  things.  She  could  live  without  silk  stock 
ings. 

STANHOPE 

Not  Rhoda !    She  couldn't  walk  in  anything  but  silk. 

LOUISE  (nodding  "yes" ) 

And  so  made  you  take  her  cheque  for  everything  you 
had  brought — and  cried  her  eyes  out  when  she  found 
you  had  never  put  the  cheque  in  bank. 

STANHOPE  (laughing) 

Yes,  that  was  our  first  quarrel. 

LOUISE 

Well,  we're  not  going  to  have  any  "first !"  (Catches 
Crichton  trying  to  smuggle  the  cheque  into  her  mesh- 
bag.)  What's  that? 

CRICHTON 

A  scrap  of  paper. 
STANHOPE  (urging) 

And  do  be  sensible ! 
CRICHTON 

Just  enough  to  see  you  through. 

LOUISE 

Probably  all  you  have. 

CRICHTON 

But  I'll  have  a  lot  more  when  my  book's  done,  and 
meanwhile  there's  hack  work,  and  something  comes 
in. 
LOUISE 

Yes,  and  goes  out — for  dinner  with  me — and  taxis — 
choc'lates  and  flowers. 


LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE 


CRICHTON  (  persuadingly  ) 

But  there'll  be  no  more  of  that,  till  I  get  back.  — 
(to  Stanhope)  You'll  look  after  Louise  a  bit,  while 
I'm  gone?  You  and  Rhoda? 

STANHOPE 

Sure  ! 
LOUISE  (holds  mesh-bag  so  that  cheque  drops  out) 

No  !  —  I    couldn't    touch   it  —  nor    look    at   it  !  —  And 

please  don't  think  I'm  not  grateful  —  but  you  can't 

understand    how    a    woman    feels.     (With   feeling) 

Love  is  a  tender,  delicate,  sensitive  flower,  and  we 

must  guard  it,  jealously,  from  every  possible  hurt. 
STANHOPE  (to  Crichton)    (indicating  cheque) 

Tear  that  up,  old  man  ! 
LOUISE  (triumphant) 

There!  —  You  understand! 
STANHOPE 

Perfectly.      (To   Crichton)    Go    to   the   bank—  and 

put  that  amount  to  her  credit. 
LOUISE  (protesting) 

Oh,  but— 
STANHOPE  (continuing) 

You   needn't   touch  it,   nor  look   at   it  —  except   by 

cheque. 
LOUISE  (after  a  little  hesitation) 

You're  a  —  brute! 
STANHOPE  (to  Crichton) 

Settled! 

LOUISE 

But  one  thing  I  insist  on:  'til  I've  paid  it  back,  no 
more  taxis  —  chocolates  —  flowers  —  dinners.  (Crichton 
nods  assent  to  each,  except  the  last) 


LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE  13 

CRICHTON 

O,  but  that's  the  best  hour  we  have — dinner. 
LOUISE 

Then  we'll  dine  at  my  place — chops,  salad,  coffee  and 

fudge.     And  you'll  not  bring  flowers. 
CRICHTON 

Oh,  but— 
LOUISE  (insisting) 

Not  a  penny  pink ! — Promise ! 

CRICHTON 

You'd  wilt  without  a  rose  or  two  on  your  desk. 

LOUISE 

Well,  then,  one  rose — twice  a  week.    (The  ' phone  in 

hatt  rings.)    I  hope  that's  Rhoda! 
STANHOPE 

No!  She'd  call  this  number.      (Indicates  'phone  on 

desk) 
JAMISON  (at  door) 

It's  Mr.  Winston  again:  asks  when  you'll  be  leaving 

for  the  club? 
STANHOPE  (somewhat  embarrassed) 

Well— I- 
LOUISE  (rising) 

Go  'long! 
STANHOPE  (to  Jamison) 

Very  soon,  say.     (Jamison  exits)  Poor  Win ! — But 

you  needn't  leave. 
CRICHTON 

We're  going  for  a  dance  at  the  Biltmore. 
STANHOPE 

Wait  till  I  get  my  keys — and  I'll  drop  you  there  in 

the  car. 


14  LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE 

LOUISE  (in  alarm) 

No,  no,  don't  bother. 
STANHOPE 

On  my  way,  to  the  club.     (Exits) 
LOUISE  (quickly,  in  half  whisper) 

He  mustn't  take  us  to  the  Biltmore! 
CRICHTON 

Why? 

LOUISE 

We  might  run  into  Rhoda. — She's  going  there — with 
Winston. 

CRICHTON  (gaspmg) 

But — (To  Stanhope;  re-entering)  Louise  thinks 
she'd  like  to  walk  to  the  hotel,  and  get  the  air. 

LOUISE  (wearily) 

Yes,  you  two've  been  too  much  for  me  with  your 
arguments.  (Stanhope  rings.  Jamison  enters  with 
hats  and  coats.  He  helps  Crichton  into  his  and  then 
goes  up  stage  to  door.  Stanhope  helps  Louise  mto 
her  coat)  (To  Stanhope:)  I  shall  hate  myself  for 
giving  in — (fiercely)  And  I'll  hate  you  worse  for 
talking  me  into  it.  (Exits  angrily) 

CRICHTON  (grasps  Stanhope's  hand) 

Thanks ! — And  while  I'm  gone,  do  look  after  Louise 
a  bit.  (Exits.)  (Jamison  re-enters) 

STANHOPE 

Jamison — go  to  Hartley,  the  florist's,  to-morrow — 
and  have  him  send  a  dozen  or  so  of  'Merican  Beau 
ties — to  Miss  Drayton — 

JAMISON 

With  your  card,  sir? 


LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE  15 

STANHOPE 

No,  no. —  And  tell  him,  if  there's  any  inquiry — he 
doesn't  know  who  sends  them. 
JAMISON 
Yes,  sir. 

STANHOPE 

And,  Jamison — tell  him  to  send  a  nice  box — two  or 
three  times  a  week — for  the  present.  (Rather  to  him 
self)  She's  fond  of  roses. 

JAMISON  (while  helping  Stanhope  with  coat)  They 
mostly  are — Yes,  sir. —  I  was  thinking  of  going 
out  myself,  sir,  unless —  (Hesitates) 

STANHOPE 

Well? 

JAMISON 

I  was  thinking,  possibly,  you'd  want  me  to  stop  home 
for  the  'phone  message. 
STANHOPE  (perplexed) 
Whose? 

JAMISON 

I  was  thinking,  possibly,  Miss  Rhoda  might — 
STANHOPE  (angrily) 

I  don't  pay  you  to  think,  Jamison.  I  couldn't  afford 
to !  (Exits.) 

[Jamison,  after  hearing  the  outer  door  close,  critic 
ally  selects  half  a  dozen  of  the  best  roses  in  the  vase, 
with  some  of  the  "asparagus";  ties,  and  wraps  them 
in  tissue  paper,  turns  off  all  the  electric  lights  except 
one.  Exits.] 

CUBTAIN 


16  LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE 

SCENE  II 

(TWO   MONTHS   LATER.) 

At  rise  of  curtain  the  room  is  in  the  gloom  of  winter 
dusk,  save  for  the  light  of  the  fireplace,  into  which 
Stanhope  stares  moodily,  -frowningly;  he  has  m  his 
hand  a  silver-framed  photograph  of  Rhoda,  at  which 
he  glances  occasionally. 

Jamison  enters  silently,  and  makes  to  turn  on  the 
lights,  but  notmg  Stanhope's  sombre  posture,  pauses. 

JAMISON 

Shall  I  turn  on  light,  sir? 
STANHOPE  (gruffly) 

Dark  enough,  isn't  it?     (Hurriedly  lays  photograph 


JAMISON  (as  he  lights  a  lamp  here  and  there) 

Yes,  sir;  but  I  was  thinking  possibly  you  might  be 
— thinking. 

STANHOPE  (with  temper) 

I  was  thinking — of  giving  you  a  month's  notice. 

JAMISON  (gratefully) 

I'm  entitled  to  only  a  week's,  sir.  (Stanhope  jams 
on  hat,  seizes  gloves  and  stick  from  table)  (Jami 
son  sets  Rhoda9 s  photo  upright)  You  dining  in, 
sir? 

STANHOPE 

Bah !  (Makes  to  exit  by  door  back) 
JAMISON  (intervening) 

Better  go  this  way.      (Indicates  door  at  left) 


LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE  17 

STANHOPE 

Why? 
JAMISON  (in  low  tone) 

Mr.  Crichton's  there.     (Nods  toward  hall,  back) 

STANHOPE 

Ask  him  to  walk  in. 
JAMISON  (in  low  tone) 

I'm  'fraid,  sir,  he's  been  drinking. 
STANHOPE 

Can't  he  walk? 

JAMISON 

Yes,  sir,  but  he  seems  terribly  upset — excited — and 
(mysterious)  he  has  a — well,  I'm  thinking  it's  a  box 
of  flowers. 
STANHOPE  (with  gesture  of  dismissal) 

Show  him  in.  (Puts  down  stick  and  gloves,  throws 
hat  on  chair.  Jamison  exits.  Crichton  enters,  lug 
ging  a  long,  purple  florist's  carton,  with  rose-stems 
protruding.  Nods  curtly  and  puts  into  Stanhope's 
outstretched  hand  an  unsealed  envelope.) 

STANHOPE 

What's  that? 

CRICHTON 

Your  bill,  from  Hartley's. 

STANHOPE 

What  you  doing  with  it? 

CRICHTON 

I   paid    it. —   That's    the   receipt — including   these. 
(Indicates  flowers)    They  were  just  going  out.     I 
said  I'd  take  'em  along. 
STANHOPE  (looking  at  tag) 
But  they're  addressed  to — 


18  LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE 

CRICHTON  (jumping  in) 

Most  of  'em  were — in  that  account. 

STANHOPE  (frowning) 

But  I  don't  like  what  you've  done. 

CRICHTON 

Neither  do  I — seeing  I  had  to  do  it  by  trick.  Went 
there  and  asked  for  Mr.  Stanhope's  bill — itemized — 
(points  to  bill)  That  shows  where  most  of  'em  went 
— and — (distracted)  Stan,  old  man,  I  just  had  to 
know  who  was  sending  'em ! 

STANHOPE 

You  had  only  to  ask  me.     (Kindly)  And,  my  dear 
boy,  that's  a  rather  fine  bill. —    You  can't  afford  to 
pay  such  a — 
CRICHTON  (with  spirit) 

I  can't  afford  to  let  you  pay  it! 

STANHOPE 

If   you    feel    that   way,    of    course. — (Sincerely)    I 
wouldn't  hurt  you  for  the  finest  bill  in  the  world, 
nor  the  finest  girl. —  I  meant,  of  course,  for  Louise 
to   think  you  were   sending   them. 
CRICHTON 

She  did!  Accused  me  of  sending  them — and  break 
ing  my  promise. —  For  a  time  after  I  got  back  we 
never  spoke  of  the  flowers — but  when  I  saw  her 
rooms  kept  like  a — a  prima-donna's  boudoir — I 
asked  "who's  the  man?" — A  mistake,  of  course! — but 
I  couldn't  stand  it  any  longer !  Then  I  found  she 
thought  I'd  been  sending  them — they  came  without 
a  card — and  I  couldn't  convince  her  it  wasn't  me. 
She  vowed  she'd  refuse  to  accept  them  any  more.  I 
couldn't  have  that — you  know  how  she  loves  them! 


LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE  19 

— and  we  had  a  quarrel — our  first ! — because  I  sug 
gested  it  might  be  you  sending  them. — She  said 
you'd  certainly  have  put  in  your  card — "Why  not?" 
— and  insisted  she'd  turn  'em  back — the  next  ones. — 
That's  how  I  came  to  go  there — and  wouldn't  let 
them  send  these. 

STANHOPE 

I  am  sorry ! — But  I  remembered  how  she  made  you 
promise  to  cut  out  all  such — attentions — (Points  to 
roses)  I  knew  how  she'd  miss  them. — (Ruefully)  And 
as  I  can't  send  to  Rhoda  any  more,  I — I — well,  it 
was  a  sort  of  comfort  to  send  'em  to  Louise. —  You 
asked  me  to  look  after  her  a  bit. 

CRICHTON  (with  nod  "yes") 

And  you've  been  bully — she  told  me — asked  her  to 
lunch — and  matinees — and  sent  your  car  'round. 

STANHOPE 

But  she  never  had  time  for  anything — 'cept  dinner 
one  night  at  Longview,  and  used  the  car  'casionally. 

CRICHTON 

That  job  for  Senator  Spudds! — She's  put  in  every 
minute — and  it's  got  on  her  nerves — maybe? 

STANHOPE 
Most  likely. 

CRICHTON  (unhappily) 

O,  she  isn't  the  same  girl. — Not  to  me. — Changed 
in  every  way — tone  of  her  voice — very  expression 
of  her  eyes  when  she  looks  at  me. 

STANHOPE   (laughing) 
You  just  imagine. 

CRICHTON  (despairingly) 
Hell,  no! 


20  LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE 

STANHOPE 

Well,  what  makes  you  think — ?  What  has  she  done 
— or  said — ? 

CEICHTON 

Nothing — nothing — that  you  can  lay  your  hands 
on ! —  But  you  know  you  can — tell — always  when 
it's  "cold." 

STANHOPE  (shakes  his  head  "no") 

Not  till  it  knocks  you  cold,  sometimes — as  it  did  me 
that  night,  two  months  ago,  when  I  just  happened 
into  the  Biltmore  and  ran  into  Rhoda  with  Winston. 
(Laughing  at  his  own  discomfiture)  "Poor  Win" ! 
— whom  I  waited  for  at  the  club  till  midnight — so  I 
might  cheer  him  up!  (Reminiscent)  Not  a  sign  till 
then — 'cept  she'd  be  late  at  appointments — and 
careless — or  snippy — about  explaining. 

CRICHTON  (brightenmg) 

Not  Louise!  Formerly,  if  she  kept  me  waiting,  she 
didn't  speak  of  it,  at  all.  We  both  knew  it  couldn't 
be  helped — and  didn't  waste  time  over  it. — But  now 
she  takes  pains  to  explain,  and  excuse — when  I  ques 
tion  her. 

STANHOPE  (encouragingly) 

There   you   are! — And   you   go    about   together   as 

.     before  ? 

CEICHTON  (bitterly) 

No !  Cheap  restaurants — when  it  isn't  a  snack  at  her 
place ; — the  "sub,"  'stead  of  taxi's — soda-fountains 
'stead  of  Maillard's. — No  more  plays. — Movies  ! — 
A  scrap,  last  evening,  'cause  I  suggested  dinner  at 
Longview! — She'll  have  nothing  as  before — says 
that  was  the  agreement — till  she's  paid  that  loan. 


LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE 


STANHOPE  (approving) 

Loyal  to  her  ideals,  and  a  "good  pal"  ! 

c  RICH  TON 

I  don't  want  her  for  "pal"  !—  That's  all  right  'tween 
her  and  a  friend  —  like  you  —  but  if  it  came  to  that 
—and  Louise  is  only  my  "pal"  —  why  —  I'd  —  I'd  — 
well,  when  Rhoda  broke  with  you  —  you  know  what 
you  said  ! 

STANHOPE    (assenting) 

But  you  notice  I'm  still  here  to  tell  you  —  what  I 
said.  —  Stop  here  and  dine  with  me. 

CRICHTON 

No,  please!  —  I'd  be  thinking  every  second  of  the 
night  she  sat  there  —  (points  to  table)  and  fought 
'gainst  that  damned  cheque  —  warned  me  of  the  very 
thing  that's  happened  — 

STANHOPE  (consolingly) 
Nothing's  happened. 

CEICHTON  (despairingly) 
Ah!    (Turns  to  go) 

STANHOPE  (intervening) 

Come  !  You're  not  fit  to  be  alone  to-night  —  neither 
am  I.  We'll  dine  at  the  club  ;  then  go  to  the  play.  — 
I've  sent  for  seats. 

CRICHTON 

No  —  I  must  get  back  to  my  rooms  !  Louise  said 
she'd  'phone  —  maybe. 

STANHOPE 

Tell  them  to  say  you're  here.  (Starts  to  lift 
'phone.) 


LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE 


CRICHTON  (nervously) 

No,  no,  they  might  forget  —  or  mix  things  up  —  and 
I'd  miss  the  call.  —  I'll  go  wait  for  it.  —  And  drag 
her  out  to  some  jolly  show.  You  come  'long  and 
tell  her  about  the  roses. 

STANHOPE 

No  !  Best  be  by  yourselves  to-night. 

CRICHTON 

Perhaps,  yes  !  (Turns  to  go.)  (Jamison  enters, 
with  significant  promptness.) 

STANHOPE  (indicating  the  box  of  roses) 
What'll  I  do  with  these? 

CRICHTON 

Give  them  to  the  next  girl  that  calls  —  with  my  com 
pliments.  (Moves  to  door  back) 

JAMISON  (intervening) 

This  way,  sir.  (Shows  Crichton  out  at  left.)  (Stan 
hope  at  door,  watches  him  off.  Comes  down,  shaking 
his  head  in  troubled  thought;  looks  at  the  flower  box, 
then  takes  a  card  from  pocket-case  and  writes  on  it.) 

STANHOPE  (to  Jamison  re-entering,  indicating  box  of 
flowers) 

Take  those  over  to  Gainsboro  Studios  —  with  this  — 
(Gives  card) 

JAMISON 

She's  here,  sir  —  been  waiting. 

STANHOPE 

Why  didn't  you  show  her  in? 
JAMISON  (significantly) 
Well,  I  thought,  sir  - 


LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE  23 

STANHOPE 

You  think  entirely  too  much ! — Put  'em  in  a  vase. 
(Jamison  exits  with  the  roses.  Stanhope  hur 
riedly  puts  the  photograph  of  Rhoda  i/n  desk- 
drawer.) 

SCENE  III. 

Louise  comes  in;  none  too  fitly  clad  for  the  wintry 
storm,  in  coat  and  jacket  of  serge,  and  skimpy  furs; 
but  she  is  buoyant,  aglow,  a  tune  on  her  lips. 

STANHOPE 

You're  happy! 
LOUISE 

Dangerously  ! — (Half -whispers)   It's  over. 
STANHOPE  (troubled) 

What! 

LOUISE 

That  horrid  affair  with  Eric — my  debt ! 
STANHOPE  (relieved) 
Oh! 

LOUISE 

I  put  the  amount  to  his  credit,  at  the  bank  to-day. 
— And  I  couldn't  rest  'til  I  told  you ! 

STANHOPE 

That  means  I'm  forgiven — for  talking  you  into  it? 
LOUISE 

Of  course !    You've  been  the  sweetest,  dearest  fellow 

through  it  all. — How  can  I  ever  make  it  up  to  you? 
STANHOPE 

I'd  do  anything  for  Eric. 


LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE 


LOUISE 

And  so  would  I.  He's  proved  himself  a  real  pal — 
poor  kid! — I  told  him  how  kind  you'd  been,  while 
he  was  gone. 

STANHOPE 

I  tried  to  be; — he  said  to  look  after  you,  a  bit;  but 
you  wouldn't  give  me  a  chance. 

LOUISE 

I  didn't  think  it  right — under  the  circumstances ; 
Eric  away — and  my  obligation  to  him. — O,  I 
wanted  to,  often,  you  may  be  sure. — All  I  could 
do,  at  times,  to  turn  down  Sherry's — the  "Follies" 
and  another  ride  to  Longview — like  the  one  we  had 
that  moonlight  night. — And  that's  just  it,  you  see! 
— why  a  woman  hates  that  sort  of  obligation;  it 
keeps  her  from  doing  the  things  she'd  like  to  do — 
and  makes  her  want  to  do  them  just  because  she 
shouldn't. — Why,  if  I  hadn't  felt  that  way  about 
Eric — and  what  he  did  for  me — I'd  have  dined  with 
you,  gone  to  theatre — used  your  car — and  never  give 
a  second  thought  to  it — nor  to  you,,  either ! 

STANHOPE 

Eric  wouldn't  mind,  I'm  sure. 

LOUISE  (with  a  little  laugh) 
He  "minded"  your  roses. 

STANHOPE  (startled) 

My — ?    How'd  you  know?    From  Eric? 

LOUISE  ("no") 

From  the  nice  way  you  did  it. — I  knew  all  along  it 
was  you. 


LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE  25 

STANHOPE 

Then  I  didn't  manage  so  very  well. — I  meant  you  to 
think  they  came  from  him. 

LOUISE 

And  all  along  I've  made  Eric  think  I  thought  so. — 
I  scolded  him,  for  his  reckless  extravagance,  and 
breaking  his  word. — We  actually  quarreled  because 
he  denied  he'd  sent  them. 

STANHOPE  (rather  reprovingly) 

But  if  you  knew,  why  didn't  you  tell  him? 

LOUISE 

Because  he  asked !  He  never  did  that  before — never 
questioned  me  about  anything. — And  I  thought  he 
was  presuming  on — and  anyway,  he  wouldn't  under 
stand. 

STANHOPE 

Yes,  he  will.     Tell  him  you  were  just  "teasing". — 
Go  over  to  him — or  call  him  up.    (Points  to  'phone) 
LOUISE  (nervously) 

No !  Not  now — to-morrow — after  he's  been  to  the 
bank. — I'd  rather  not  see  him  till  then — (Wearily) 
I  want  to  be  alone  this  evening — quite  by  myself. 
(Falls  into  chair  in  front  of  fire,  with  half-closed 
eyes)  Just  a  few  minutes  in  this  cosy  chair,  and 
I'll  run  away. —  (Peering  into  -fireplace)  You  do 
have  the  nicest  fires !  (Touches  her  tearful  eyes,  and 
sniffles) 

STANHOPE 

What's  wrong,  girl?  Nothing  to  worry  about  now. 
LOUISE  ("yes" — tears  in  the  voice) 

Eric  !    I've    been    cross    with    him — impatient — un- 


26  LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE 

grateful. — He's    unhappy,    of    course — and    I'm    so 

sorry ! 
STANHOPE  (pleased) 

Good! 
LOUISE   (ruefully) 

To  be  sorry  for  a  man ?    (Shakes  her  head)    Bad! — 

And  the  worst  of  it  is — no  one's  to  blame:  it  just 

happens. 
STANHOPE  (laughing  it  off) 

That's  a  mood! — Your  work's  got  on  your  nerves 

— the  Japanese  room  for  Senator  Spudds ! 

LOUISE 

That  wasn't  so  hard — but  the  Louis  Quinze  boudoir 
for  Mrs.  Spudds ! —  (Gesture  of  despair)  And  these 
shabby  gloves  (Extends  hand  which  Stanhope  pats 
platonically)  and  shabby  hat  and  shabby  shoes — 
and  all  the  dinners  in  shabby  places  for  nearly  two 
months —  (Joyously)  But  it's  over,  thank  Heaven! 
— and  Spudds  !  I'm  free — of  debt,  obligation — free 
of  everything ! — If  I  were  a  man  I  s'pose  I'd  c-c-cele- 
brate. 

STANHOPE 

Happily  you're  not — so  I'll  call  the  car — 

LOUISE  (all  alive) 
Yes—? 

STANHOPE  (continumg) 

— Send  you  home — and  you'll  snuggle  into  bed  for 
a  good,  long  sleep. — And  the  moment  you  wake  up, 
'phone  Eric  come  take  you  to —  (Enter  Jamison, 
with  tall  vase  of  roses,  which  he  places  on  table: 
then  exits.) 


LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE  27 

LOUISE 

O,  you're  expecting  some  one.     (Rises) 
STANHOPE 

No! 
LOUISE  (indicating  flowers) 

They  mean  something!     (Makes  to  go) 
STANHOPE  (intervening — "AVJ 

Not   what   you   mean, — and   I   rather   dread   dining 

alone  to-night — I  was  going  out — for  dinner — and 

a  show. 

LOUISE 

O,  but  such  a  horrid  night ! 

STANHOPE 

Yes.      (Rings.     To  Jamison  who  enters)   Jamison, 

any  food  in  the  house? 
JAMISON  (deprecatingly) 

Quail,    artichoke,   endive,    gervais    and    bar-le-duc — 

and  I'm  thinking  some — 
STANHOPE 

That'll  do.    (Dismissing  him) 

LOUISE 

Rather ! 

STANHOPE 

And  perhaps  you'll  feel  like  theatre,  after  a  bit  of 
food  and — rest.  (Turns  off  some  of  the  "electrics" 
titt  the  room  is  in  the  soft  light  of  the  lamps) 

LOUISE  (with  a  purr  of  content) 

You  do  understand  women,  don't  you? 

STANHOPE  (shaking  his  head  "no") 
I  didn't  understand  Rhoda, 


28  LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE 

LOUISE  (piqued) 

O,  if  you're  going1  to  talk  about  her — (Makes  as  if 
to  rise) 

STANHOPE  (quickly) 

No,  no — I  was  only  thinking — how  different  you 
are — 

LOUISE 

She's  dark,  and  I'm  blonde.     That's  all. 

STANHOPE 

No !  You're  frank — simple — direct.  You're  brave  in 
your  affections — firm  in  your  ideals.  And  you'd 
hesitate  a  long  time  before  you'd  hurt  the  man  who's 
loved  you. — That's  how*  you're  different  from 
Rhoda— delightfully  different.  That's  why  I  envy 
Eric.  (Crosses  to  'phone) 

LOUISE 

Nonsense ! 

STANHOPE  (lifts  'phone:  calls) 
"Bryant  1346." 

LOUISE  (with  some  anger) 

Eric's  number!    What  for?    (Jumps  out  of  chair) 

STANHOPE  (matter  of  fact) 
Tell  him  come  to  dinner. 

LOUISE  (quickly) 

I'm  going.  (Stanhope  restrains  her  by  arm.  Louise 
seizes  the  'phone  out  of  his  hand.  Stanhope  is  evi 
dently  pleased  by  her  apparent  surrender,  pats  her 
on  the  back.)  (Louise  talks) — Hello  ! — Is  that  you, 
Eric?  .  .  .  No — I'm  not  at  home!  I'm  'phoning 
from  up-town, —  O,  I  don't  know  just  where — it's  a 
drug-store,  I  believe  .  .  .  No,  I  won't  be  back  in 
time  for  dinner — you  see  how  it's  storming. — I'm 


LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE  29 

on  my  way  to  my  sister's  .  .  .  O,  no,  dear,  don't 
call  for  me, — such  a  dreadful  night — and  they're  all 
upset. —  They're  packing — going  to  the  country 
early  to-morrow — and  I  may  go  with  them,  for  a 
day  or  so. — Yes,  I  am  horribly  seedy. — Yes,  I'll 
call  you  up  if  I  go — to  say — "good-bye" !  (Hangs 
up  'phone)  That's  over!  (Sits  at  piano.) 

STANHOPE  (sadly) 
Evidently. 

LOUISE  (with  -feeling) 

I  can't  help  it!  I'm  sorry,  but  I  can't  help  it. — 
I  warned  you  both.  I  knew  what  would  happen. 

STANHOPE 

But — it's  unreasonable,  illogical,  inconsistent — in 
human  ! 

LOUISE  (nodding  "yes") 

That's  the  woman  of  it !     (Plays  softly) 

STANHOPE    (slightingly) 

That  may  be   true   of  a   Peggy   Deane !   or  even  a 

Rhod (Stops    short,    at    reproving   look   from 

Louise.     Sits  by  side,  on  piano  bench) 

LOUISE  (with  mischief) 

— We're  all  alike,  except  some  have  light  hair,  and 
some  dark — and  some  wear  silk,  some  don't — but 
"the  Colonel's  lady  and  Judy  O'Grady — ,  sisters, 
under  the  skin" — and  always  have  been. — That's 
how  the  trouble  began.  Adam  was  the  gentleman 
who  didn't  understand — and  Satan  was  the  bounder 
who  did!  Eve  wouldn't  have  touched  the  apple,  if 
Adam  hadn't  started  to  be  nice  and  kind  to  her — 
and  fuss  over  her — seeing  she  had  enough  to  eat — 
and  pay  rent — and  didn't  get  her  feet  wet. — Satan 


30  LOOK  AFTER  LOUISE 

didn't  bother — except  for  some  airy  persiflage  about 
fruit-trees. — That's   what   made  her   curious — what 
he  had  up  his  sleeve.     (The  door-knocker  sounds,  in 
hall.     Louise   and  Stanhope   show   annoyance,    and 
promptly  rise.    Jamison  enters  with  tray  on  which 
are  two  cock-tail  glasses  and  the  silver  mixer.) 
[NOTE :  When  the  play  is  presented  m  Prohibition 
communities,    or   to    audiences   of   young  people,    the 
"cock-tail"  of  course,  must  be  omitted;  instead  Jami 
son  will  serve,  in  stem-glasses,  grape-fruit  with  sherry 
and  maraschino.] 
STANHOPE 

Who  knocked? 

JAMISON 

Boy  from  the  theatre — with  seats. 

STANHOPE 

What   row? 

JAMISON   (innocently,  as  he  pours  cock-tails) 

I  didn't  look,  sir — I  sent  them  back —  (As  the  wind 
howls,  and  windows  rattle)  Regular  blizzard,  sir — 
and  with  your  cold,  I  was  thinking — 

STANHOPE  (dismissing  him) 
All  right!     (Jamison  exits) 

LOUISE  (as  she  takes  off  her  hat) 

Servants  like  Jamison  just  spoil  you  men  for  mar 
riage  :  he  thinks  of  everything. 


CURTAIN 


BIG  KATE 

A  DIPLOMATIC   TRAGEDY  IN   ONE  ACT 


THE  PERSONS  OF  THE  PLAY 

CATHARINE  II Empress   of  Russia 

NOEL  VAUGHAN Lord  Ribblesdale 

XENIA Princess  Dashkoff 

CAPTAIN  KHITEOFF  of  the  Royal  Guard 
VLAS 


BIG  KATE 


The  action  passes  in  St.  Petersburg,  about  1780. 

The  scene  is  a  room  in  the  Winter  Palace,  at  St. 
Petersburg.  The  decorations  and  furniture  are  in  the 
style  of  Louis  XIV.  At  back,  left,  double  doors  open 
on  corridor.  At  back,  right,  a  large  French  window 
looks  out  on  the  Nevskii  Prospekt,  in  a  snow-covered 
landscape.  On  the  back-drop,  beyond,  is  seen  the 
house  of  the  British  Embassy;  in  the  which,  toward  the 
end  of  the  action,  lights  appear.  Down  stage  right, 
is  a  piano;  left,  a  table.  Near  the  French  window  is  a 
screen.  The  time  is  late  afternoon;  the  scene  is  lighted 
by  many  candles.  At  rise  of  curtain — and  for  a  few 
seconds  before — there  is  music,  and  the  buzz  of  women's 
chatter.  A  number  of  court-ladies  are  concluding  a 
lively  minuet,  led  and  directed  by  Catharine.  Khitroff 
enters  by  door,  right,  followed  by  the  servant,  Vlas. 

VLAS  (at  door) 

Monsieur  Vaughan. 
KHITROFF  (to  Catharine) 

Le  maitre  d'  Anglais 
CATHARINE    (correcting) 

No!   No! — Ingleesh;    spik   alvays    Ingleesh! — So   I 

learn  queeck. 


BIG  KATE 


PRINCESS    DASHKOFF 

The  teacher — of — English,  Your  Majesty. 

CATHARINE 

Admit  the  school-master.  (Servant  exits.  Catha 
rine  exits,  followed  by  court-ladies,  all  laughing  and 
chatting  animatedly.  Two  or  three  of  them  linger, 
m  curiosity,  for  a  look  at  the  "school-master." 
Khitroff,  gruffly,  makes  to  close  the  door,  or  draw 
the  portieres,  to  hurry  them  off.  Enter  Vaughan; 
lie  is  notably  good-looki/ng,  tall,  lithe  and  stalwart. 
His  clothes  are  dark;  of  inexpensive  stuff,  but  trim 
fit.  He  carries  a  school-boy's  knap-sack,  and  a 
large  umbrella.  He  is  followed  by  the  footman,  with 
a  silver  tray  on  which  are  several  school-books.  The 
books  intended  for  the  use  of  Catharine  are  ele 
gantly  bound.  Servant,  at  nod  from  Khitroff,  places 
tray  on  table  at  R.  of  stage;  then,  as  he  recrosses, 
makes  to  take  Vaughan9s  umbrella.) 

VAUGHAN  (clutching  it) 

No,  thanks — I  might  forget  it.  (Servant  exits. 
Vaughan  drops  his  great-coat  on  chair  near  screen; 
crosses  to  fireplace  to  warm  his  hands.)  B-r-r! 
(Shudders.) 

KHITROFF  (with  decided  accent) 
COLT? 

VAUGHAN 

Rather ! 

KHITROFF 

Got-damn  ? 

VAUGHAN 

I  shouldn't  say  that. 


BIG  KATE  35 


KHITROFF 

Engleesh  ?     All-right  ?— Not 

VAUGHAN 

Quite! — Where'd  you  learn  all  your  English,  Cap 
tain?  You  speak  like  a  native. 

KHITROFF 

Two  year  I  serve  with  Engleesh  general — Got-damn 
— in  Riga.  Now  I  speak  here  alvays  Engleesh  with 
the  Empress. 

VAUGHAN 

Her  Majesty  should  learn  quickly  'tween  you  and 
me. 

KHITROFF 

Got  damn!  (Servant  re-enters  with  tray  on  which  is 
a  bottle  of  wine  and  two  goblets;  as  he  pours  the 
wine  Khitroff  questions  him  by  a  look.  Servant  nods 
"yes,"  and  indicates  one  of  the  goblets  by  tapping 
it  with  bottle.  Vaughan,  at  fireplace,  sees  the  play 
in  the  mantel-mirror.  Khitroff ',  indicating  the 
drink:)  All  right? 

VAUGHAN  (assenting) 

Thanks.     (Makes  to  lift  one  of  the  goblets) 

KHITROFF  (intervening) 

Not!  (Takes  that  one  and  hands  tlie  other  to 
Vaughan) 

VAUGHAN  (raising  glass) 
Your  health,  Captain ! 

KHITROFF 

Yours — Got-damn!  (Makes  to  drink) 

VAUGHAN 

One  moment  (Takes  Khitroff's  goblet  and  gives  his 
own  instead) 


36  BIG  KATE 


KHITROFF  (disconcerted) 
Why  you  'change? 

VAUGHAN 

An  old  custom,  in  my  country,  to  show  there's  no 
hard  feeling.  (Drinks) 

KHITROFF  (angrily;  under  his  breath) 

Got-damn! — (Makes  to  throw  goblet  across  the 
room.)  You  theenk — ?  (Towers  above  Vaughan 
threateningly) 

VAUGHAN  (interrupting) 

No,  no — not  you,  Captain — but  that  footman ;  I  mis 
trust — he  wants  my  umbrella.  (The  Princess  Dash- 
hoff  re-enters.  She  scarcely  notices  Vaughan,  except 
for  a  slight  nod  which  he  answers  with  a  deep  bow. 
Khitroff  eyes  them  closely,  with  obvious  suspicion; 
then  exits  to  corridor,  back.  Vaughan  instantly 
makes  to  approach  Xenia,  eagerly,  but  she  cautions 
him  away  with  a  gesture,  and  nods  toward  Khitroff. 
Catharine's  voice  heard  off  in  laughter.) 

VAUGHAN 

Her  Majesty's  in  good  spirits  to-day. 

PRINCESS    DASHKOFF 

Very! — and  for  the  first  time  since  Lanskoi's  death. 

VAUGHAN 

That  means  a  new  favorite. 
PRINCESS  DASHKOFF  (assenting) 
Two !    (Holds  up  two  fingers) 

VAUGHAN 

Two? — Touching  tribute  to  Lanskoi,  who  preceded 
them. — She  seemed  inconsolable. — Swore  she  was  done 
with  love. 


BIG  KATE  37 


PRINCESS    DASHKOFF 

So  she's  taken  a  fancy  to  marry. 

VATJGHAN 

"Marry"?  Good  Lord! — What  a  passion  she  has 
for  novelty! 

PRINCESS    DASHKOFF 

Talks  of  nothing  else! — Makes  no  secret  of  it,  to 
the  court — that  she's  going  to  take  a  husband. 

VAUGHAN 

She's  always  been  taking  husbands ! 

PRINCESS    DASHKOFF 

Yes,  but  this  time,  one  of  her  own. 

VAUGHAN 

But  what  of  Potemkin— and  her  other  ministers? 
They  won't  allow — 

PRINCESS    DASHKOFF 

"Allow"  Catharine? — They'd  be  glad  so  long  as- she 
marries  some  fool — who  won't  interfere  in  matters 
of  State. 

VAUGHAN 

At  her  age — she's  sure  to  pick  a  fool. 

PRINCESS    DASHKOFF 

Khitroff — for  example? 

VAUGHAN 

Khitroff! — That  impudent,  swaggering,  uncouth 
ruffian ! — with  his  bull-neck  ! 

PEINCESS  DASHKOFF  (assenting) 
That  may  save  you ! 

VAUGHAN  (amazed) 
"Save  me"? 


38  BIG  KATE 


PRINCESS  DASHKOFF  (nods  "yes") 

If  she  takes  Khitroff !     (Signals  caution  as  Khitroff 
walks  to  and  fro  in  corridor.) 

VAUGHAN 

You're  not  serious? 

PRINCESS    DASHKOFF 

Tout-a-f  ait ! — She  wants  a  husband  and  children — 
twenty,    she    says. — And    unless    something    offers 
more  to  her  taste,  you  or  Khitroff  get  the  ruby. 
(Taps  her  thumb) 
VAUGHAN  (perplexed) 
"Get  the  ruby"? 

PRINCESS    DASHKOFF 

Her  thumb-ring — with  the  square  ruby.     Her  first 
gift,  always,  to  the  new  favorite.     (Wistfully)    She's 
remarked  your  fine  hand. 
VAUGHAN 

Good  Lord!     (Shoves  right  hand  in  pocket;  stares 
blankly  into  space) 

PRINCESS    DASHKOFF 

Of  course,  'twill  be  only  a  left  hand  marriage. 
(Vaughan  shoves  left  hand  in  pocket)     Your  chil 
dren  won't  inherit  the  crown. 
VAUGHAN  (bewildered) 
Pinch  me — I'm  dreaming. 

PRINCESS    DASHKOFF 

Wake  up !     'Cause  you'll  need  all  your  wits — to  get 
out  of  this! 

VAUGHAN 

I'll  get  out  now —  (Takes  up  his  great-coat,  as  if 
to  go)  and  you  with  me. 


BIG  KATE  39 


PRINCESS    DASHKOFF 

We'd  never  reach  the  palace  gate — together — with 
Khitroff  on  guard. 

VAUGHAX 

And  Khitroff  knows  that  I'm  his — rival? 

PRINCESS    DASHKOFF 

Certainly ! 
VAUGHAX 

I  see — "Got-damn!"     (Staggered)     What  on  earth 
can  she  see  in — a  school-master? 

PRINCESS    DASHKOFF 

Novelty ! 

VAUGHAN 

But  you  know  it's — impossible  ! — ridiculous  ! 

PRINCESS    DASHKOFF 

O,  I've  told  her — you  were  "ridiculous" ;  (Laugh 
ing)  that  you  were  dull,  stupid,  awkward, — cold 
blooded — bookworm — and  that  you'd  probably  never 
yet  made  love  to  a  woman. 

VAUGHAN 

That  should  cure  her. 

PRINCESS    DASHKOFF 

•   Contrary !     Only  made  her  curious. 

VAUGHAN 

I  see ! — You  over-did  it. —  But  wherever  did  she 
get  the  notion ? 

PRINCESS    DASHKOFF 

Well,  you  have  made  love  to  her! 

VAUGHAN 

Everybody  makes  love  to  her. 


40  BIG  KATE 


PRINCESS   DASHKOFF 

Yes,  but  you  over-did  it!     I  told  you  all  along  you 
were  over-doing  it. 
VAUGHAN 

I'm  playing  for  a  big  stake,  and  they  advised,  at 
the  Embassy,  a  little  flirting  would  help. 

PRINCESS   DASHKOFF 

Then  let  the  Embassy  do  it ! 

VATJGHAN 

Sir  Charles  was  willing,  but  his  wife  wouldn't  risk 
it — with  Catharine. 

PRINCESS   DASHKOFF 

She's  right!     You  English  can't  "flirt"! 

VAUGHAN 

I  shouldn't  say  that — (Takes  her  in  Ms  arms) 
PRINCESS  DASHKOFF   (continuing) 

Italians,  Frenchmen,  Russians,  yes — even  a  Cos 
sack,  like  Khitroff — has  the  "touch."  But  an  Eng 
lishman  goes  at  it  hammer-and-tongs —  (Vaughan 
kisses  her)  and  keeps  pounding  at  it —  (Vaughan 
kisses  her  again)  as  though  his  life  depended  on  it 
— and  the  woman's,  too.  (Same  business)  Any 
woman — who  doesn't  know  their  ways — would  think 
he  meant  something  by  it — even  a  Catharine! 
(Breathless  between  kisses)  I — know — how — you 
"flirt."  (Breaks  away,  as  Catharine's  voice  is  heard 
off.  Takes  up  a  school  book  and  pretends  to  be  ab 
sorbed  in  it  when — Catharine  re-enters;  she  is  talk 
ing,  pettingly,  to  three  or  four  dogs — Boriz  or  Wolf 
hounds — which  leap  at  the  jewelled  whip  she  cracks 
over  them.) 


BIG  KATE  41 


CATHARINE  ( to  the  dogs) 

Potemkin,  be  good ! — Beg,  Orloff — implore  !  (Caress 
ingly)  Yes,  yes,  Lanskoi —  (Cracks  whip)  Down, 
Zuboff — a-way  ! — weeth  your  dirty  paws.  (Gestures 
servant  to  take  dogs.  The  dogs  exit.  Catharine 
calls  after  them)  Be-have,  Korsakoff!  Poniatow- 
ski! —  Got-damn!  (To  Vaughan)  My  good  dogs 
I  name  for  my  good  friends. 

VAUGHAN 

Your  Majesty  rewards  virtue. 

CATHARINE 

And  I  speek  weeth  them  Ingleesh,  so  I  learn  queeck. 
My  ministers  weesh  I  speek  only  Ingleesh  weeth  the 
British  Ambassador.  Then  he  will  never  understan' 
what  I  say. 

VAUGHAN 

No  fault,  I  hope,  of  Your  Majesty's  school-master. 

CATHARINE 

No !  No  !  You  are — all  right !  (To  Princess  Dash- 
Jcoff)  Not,  Princess? 

PRINCESS  DASHKOFF  (  assents,  with  a  shrug  of  derision) 
For — school-master ! 

VAUGHAN 

Madame  despises  my  calling? 
PRINCESS  DASHKOFF   ( snceriiigly ) 
I  suppose  one  must  live. 

CATHARINE 

But  why  are  you — school-master? 

VAUGHAN  (with  a  wan  smile  and  shrug) 
Because  I  am  poor. 


42  BIG  KATE 


CATHARINE  (reprovingly ) 

"Poor"? — weeth  your  big  six  feet — those  fine,  big 

hands — and    your    two    big   eyes! — You    should    be 

officer ! 
VAUGHAN 

In  my  country — England — to  be  officer,   one  must 

have  fortune. 
CATHARINE  ('with  naivete) 

That  could  come  over  night,  once  you  are  officer. — 

When  Gregory  Orloff  enter  my  service  he  was  the 

poorest  Captain  in  the  Guard. 
PRINCESS  DASHKOFF  (promptly) 

But  the  tallest. 

CATHARINE 

No !    Korsakoff  was  taller — with  his  boots  off. 
PRINCESS  DASHKOFF  (admiringly) 
And  such  a  voice ! — tenor ! 

VAUGHAN 

Alas!     I'm  only  barytone. 
CATHARINE  (approvingly) 

'Tis   the   bes'   for  a  man — barytone.      An'   go  well 

weeth  me.     (Indicates  her  throat) 
VAUGHAN  (quickly) 

But  I  scarcely  know  music. 

CATHARINE 

Like  Lanskoi !    He  did  not  know  one  note !    When  I 

sing  he  could  not  turn  the  page  of  music. 
PRINCESS  DASHKOFF  (tearfully) 

But  had  only  turned  twenty  years.     (Touches  her 

eyes) 
CATHARINE  ( same  business) 

Poor  boy!     (To  Vaughan)     And  you? 


BIG  KATE  43 


VAUGHAN  (quickly) 

Thirty  ! — Turning  thirty — and —  (slwws  clean  side 
of  cuffs)  my  one  pair  of  lace  cuffs ! 
CATHARINE  ( re-assuringly  ) 

Like  Poniatowski !  He  come  to  Court  weeth  his 
wardrobe  in  handkerchief — a  lace  ruff  and  three 
shirts.  But  just  for  that,  we  make  him  King  of 
Poland. — And  Potemkin,  we  see  him  first  in  Ser 
geant's  blouse;  but  we  change  that  queeck,  for  the 
diamond  cloak  of  Ispahan — because  he  was  brave 
and  strong!  Ees  eet  not  so  in  your  country? 

VAUGHAN 

Alas!  Your  Majesty,  not  since  Queen  Elizabeth! 

CATHARINE 

Ah,  yes  ! — She  have  been  for  me — example ; — shie 
make  the  wish — the  am-beesh — to  be  for  Russia  the 
— "big  Kate" — like  she  for  England  the  "large 
Lizzie"!  (Gesture  of  all-embracing  majesty) 

VAUGHAN 

Your  Majesty  has  already  surpassed  her  model. 

CATHARINE 

Tell  us — you  are  school-master — her  hair  was  red — 
like  mine? 
VAUGHAN 

From  all  accounts — redder. 

CATHARINE     (looks     171     TniTTOT ) 

Ta — ta — ta !     And  she  never  marry? 

VAUGHAN 

We  call  her  the  "Virgin  Queen." 
CATHARINE  ( sighing ) 

Ah,  poor  woman !    She  deserve  better  from  her  coun- 


44  BIG  KATE 


try.  (Flaring)  But  there  were  fine  men  in  Eng 
land!  Could  she  not  find  some? — Soldiers — sailors? 

PRINCESS    DASHKOFF    ( Spitefully ) 

Or  even  a  school-master? 

CATHARINE  (rebuking) 

Madame !     (Pounds  table  and  gestures  her  to  go) 

VAUGHAN  (entreating) 

Please!  Your  Majesty's  defense  of  my  calling 
touches  me  deeply — and,  though  the  Princess,  I  fear, 
is  spilling  the  beans — (bows  to  Princess  and  wmks) 
— as  we  say  in  England — yet  I  would  not  give  my 
role  of  school-master  for  the  crown  of  Poland — the 
baton  of  Field-Marshal — nor  all  the  gems  of  Ispa 
han!  To  the  school-master  I  owe  the  glory  of 
standing  in  your  presence. — If  Your  Majesty 
will  forgive  my  audacity  (Catharine  smiles  "Yes") 
— we'll  begin — at  once — "to  love — "  (Takes  lesson- 
book  and  ferule  from  knapsack) 

CATHARINE  (disappointed) 

Oh !  (The  Princess  Dashkoff  gives  Catharine  a  les 
son  book  from  the  tray;  takes  one  herself.) 

VAUGHAN  (tapping  book  with  ferule) 

Second  conjugation  (Reciting:)  "I  love — Thou 
lovest — He  loves."  (Looks  to  Catharine  to  begin) 

CATHARINE  (to  Princess  Dashkoff) 
Begin ! 

PRINCESS  DASHKOFF  (she  looks  straight  at  Vaughan, 
while  reciting;  her  voice  and  her  eyes  betray  her:) 
"I  love,  Thou  lovest.— He  loves"  (This  last  rather 
to  herself)  "We  love— You  love— They  lo " 

CATHARINE  ( sharply ) 

But — you  do  not  look  in  the  book! 


BIG  KATE  45 


PRINCESS  DASHKOFF  ( a  trifle  disconcerted ) 

I — I — was  studying  when  Your  Majesty  came 
in. —  And  besides,  I've  already  learned  that. 

CATHARINE 

How  you  learn  so  more  queeck  as  me? — You  have 
always  the  same  lesson  weeth  me.  (Flaring)  Or 
maybe  you  have  private  lesson — weeth  Meester 
Vaughan  ? 

PRINCESS   DASHKOFF 

O,  no,  but  Your  Majesty  forgets  I  was  born  in  Lon 
don — while  my  father  was  in  the  Embassy  there. 

CATHARINE 

We  were  born  in  Germany,  but You  live  in  Lon 
don  how  much? 
VAUGHAN  (correcting) 

"How  long?"  Your  Majesty. 

PRINCESS   DASHKOFF 

Some  years. 
CATHARINE  (insisting) 

How  some? 
VAUGHAN  (correcting) 

How  many — years,  Your  Maj 

CATHARINE  (angry;  stamps  lier  foot;  beats  table,  with 

dog  whip,  whereupon  Khitroff  appears  in  corridor, 

back) 

No!    no!    no! — she    understan' — How    many    some 

years  ? 

PRINCESS   DASHKOFF 

Two — nearly. 
CATHARINE   ( as  if  quite  enlightened) 

Oh ! — Ten  year  we  live  in  Germany  (Suddenly  flar- 


46  BIG  KATE 


ing) — aber  wir  sprechen  doch  nicht  Deutsch,  wie  sie 

jetzt  Englisch  sprechen — Donnerwetter  noch  einmal! 
VAUGHAN  (taps  the  lesson  book,  school-master  fashion) 

English,    Your    Majesty,    English!      And    please, 

please,  ladies ! — we're  losing  time. 
CATHARINE   (reciting) 

"I  love— Thou  lov'st " 

VAUGHAN  (correcting) 

"Thou— lov-est— "  Your  Majesty— "Lov-est"! 
CATHARINE  (with  elaborate  precision) 

"Thou — IOV-EST  ! — Thou  IOV-EST  !" —  And  you  could 

ask  that  to  a  woman? — "thou — lov-est?" — Nevaire! 

Nevaire!     (Closes  the  book)     Tees  no  langwage — 

for  love; — tees  a  mis-fortune! —     "Thou — lov-est!" 

PRINCESS  DASHKOFF 

Not  so  bad,  Your  Majesty,  as  German!  "Ick  liebe 
dick — Ick  liebe  dick."  (Pounds  bass  notes,  on 
piano,  to  illustrate.) 

CATHARINE  (crossing  to  piano) 

Ah,  but  who  will  make  German  love,  when  you  can 
say  Italian?  "T'amo  tanto,  di  tutto  mio  cuore — da 
tutta  mia  via — da  tutta  mia  anima — "  (Plays  a 
tune  of  passion)  Or  in  French :  (Swerves  to  tune  of 
languor,  tenderness)  "Je  t'aime — Je  t'aime — avec 
toute  mon  ame — du  fond  de  mon  cceur — "  etc.  Or, 
best  of  all,  Russian —  (Makes  an  elaborate  expres 
sion  of  love,  m  Russian,  accompanied  by  charac 
teristic  music:  strange,  exotic,  bacchanalian — and 
all  the  time  looking  at  Vaughan.) 

VAUGHAN  (quite  unconcerned) 

And — "I  love  you" — in  Russian — is  all  that? 


BIG  KATE  47 


CATHARINE 

"All  that"?    Tees  only  the  beginning. 

VAUGHAN 

I'll  be  dead  before  the  finish!  I — I — mean  I  never 
could  learn  that. 

CATHARINE 

But,  yes ! — Say  after  us :  "I  love  you,"  (in  Russian) 
(Vaughan  repeats  the  phrase,  haltingly)  (Khitroff, 
at  door  back,  hears.)  "More  than  life  I  love  you." 
(In  Russian) 

PRINCESS   DASHKOFF 

That  means:  More  than  life,  I  love  you.  (Vaughan 
repeats  the  words.  Khitroff  looks  on,  in  obvious 
rage.) 

CATHARINE  (applauding) 

All  right !  Ad-mir-able !  We  must  re-ward  the  good 
pupil.  (Tries  to  remove  ring  -from  her  thumb  to 
the  consternation  of  Vaughan  and  Princess  Dash- 
koff)  (After  tugging  at  the  ring)  Madame!  (Ex 
tends  her  hand  to  Princess  Dashkoff,  who  makes 
effort  to  remove  ring) 

PRINCESS  DASHKOFF   (-faintly) 
I  can't,  Your  Majesty. 

CATHARINE 

Khitroff  is  strong — Call  him. 

VAUGHAN  (in  some  alarm) 

Your  Majesty — the  will  itself  is  reward  beyond  my 
wildest  dreams — or  my  deserts.  I've  already  for 
gotten  the  words. 

CATHARINE  (to  Princess  Dashkoff) 
He  must  have  practice. 


48  BIG  KATE 


PRINCESS   DASHKOFF 

I'll  see  that  he  has — proper  books. 

CATHARINE 

"Books"?      That   take  long!      Here— at   court— he 
learn  queeck. — We  make  him  of  the  Guard !    Officer ! 
—Like  Khitroff !— All  right? 
VAUGHAN  (bowing) 

With  my  King's  consent! 

CATHARINE 

We  arrange,  with  George. —    'Tees  done !     You  are 
in  my  service — Sergeant  Vaughan ! 
VAUGHAN  (disconcerted) 

But — Your  Majesty — (half  kneels) 

CATHARINE 

Pardon ! — Lieutenant  Vaughan ! 
VAUGHAN  (still  kneeling) 
Impossible,  Your  Majesty! 

CATHARINE 

But  why,  Captain?     (Vaughan  rises  abruptly,  fear 
ing  further  promotion) 
VAUGHAN 

Such  a  post — at  Court — requires  a  fortune. 

CATHARINE 

That    will    come,    we    tell    you — like    weeth    Orloff, 
Potemkin,  YermolofF,  Galitzin,  Zoritch, 

PRINCESS  DASHKOFF  ( quickly  in  alarm) 

But  they  were  soldiers,  Your  Majesty — not  moon- 
shees  ! — big,  strong  men — like  Khitroff. 

CATHARINE  (nods  toward  Vaughan) 

He  look  big  and  strong.     (Vaughan  instantly  stands 
limp  and  collapsed) 


BIG  KATE  49 


PRINCESS  DASHKOFF 

But  they  could  ride,  shoot,  lance — fight,  everything 
—like  Khitroff. 

CATHARINE 

He  will  learn — in  the  Guard — ride — lance — fight 
and  everything.  (Princess  Dashkoff,  convulsed  with 
laughter  at  the  idea,  takes  up  Vaughans  knapsack 
and  umbrella,  and  goes  through  mockery  of  a  Cos 
sack's  attack  on  imaginary  foe,  using  the  umbrella 
as  a  lance,  the  knapsack  for  shield,  with  martial 
cries  in  French,  Russian,  English.  Concludes  with 
repeated  thrusts  at  Vaughan,  who  falls  back  help 
lessly.) 

PRINCESS  DASHKOFF  ( ' as  she  thrusts:) 

I  love, — Captain! — Thou  lov'st, — Major — He  loves, 
— General ! 

CATHARINE  (in  rage) 

Genug!  Assez !  (Fires  lesson  book  at  Princess 
Dashkoff)  Potz-tausend !  You  make  us  ridicule? 

PRINCESS    DASHKOFF    ( sotto    voce,    to    Catharine    with 
audacity) 

He  will! — Your  Majesty  honors  me  with  every  con 
fidence — I  should  fail  in  my  duty  if  I  did  not  warn 
against  the  peril  of  this  caprice — that  "booby"  in 
the  Royal  Guard — with  men  like  Khitroff! 

VAUGHAN 

The  truth,  alas !  I  should  cut  a  sorry  figure — 
'gainst  war-gods  like  Khitroff. — Let  me  serve  for  a 
while  abroad :  prove  my  deserts  to  a  place  near  Your 
Majesty;  win  my  spurs  on  the  battlefield ! 

CATHARINE 

But  how? — where?     We  have  no  war. 


50  BIG  KATE 


VAUGHAN 

We  have — England. 

CATHAEINE  (assenting) 

In  America — weeth  your  countrymen? 

VAUGHAN 

Rebels,  your  Majesty!  And  till  we  make  example  of 
them,  every  crown  of  Europe  is  in  peril. 

CATHARINE  (rather  to  herself:  troubled) 

Gott-in-Himmel !  (Takes  a  pinch  of  snuff) 

VAUGHAN 

Even  Your  Majesty's! 

CATHARINE 

Your  King — he  tell  me  that — and  we  should  sell  him 
ten  thousand  Cossacks  to  fight  his  rebels ;  but  what 
ever  cousin  George  say,  we —  (Completes  sentence 
by  snuffing,  with  thumb  on  nose  and  twiddling 
fingers.) 

VAUGHAN 

I  shouldn't  say  that — not  in  this  instance,  Your 
Majesty. — For  once,  King  George  is  right. — 
Though  I  think  he  rather  underrates  the  Yankees 
when  he  asks  ten  thousand  Cossacks. — I'd  want 
twice  that. 

CATHARINE 

Twenty  thousand  Cossacks ! — But  the  Yankees  are 
only  a  handful! 

VAUGHAN 

So  we  find,  Your  Majesty;  quite  a  handful. 

CATHARINE 

Greneral  Washington,  we  hear,  has,  maybe  5,000  men. 


BIG  KATE  51 


VAUGHAX 

Yes,  Your  Majesty,  but  like  Washington,  they  are 
Englishmen. 

CATHARINE 

Then  why  not  send  Englishmen  to  fight  them? 

VAUGHAN 

We've  tried  that,  Your  Majesty,  but  they're  too 
soft-hearted  for  the  job — our  "red-coats." 

CATHARINE 

You  have  the  "red-skins,"  too! 
VAUGHAN    (assenting) 

Several  tribes,  Your  Majesty. — But  they're  even 
softer-hearted  than  our  soldiers. 

CATHARINE 

But  they  fight  like  defils— the  Injuns! 
VAUGHAN  (dissenting) 

They've  been  spoiled,  Your  Majesty,  by  civiliza 
tion. 

CATHARINE 

Thank  God,  we  have  none  of  that  in  Russia. 
VAUGHAN    (promptly) 

That's  why  we  want  the  Cossacks!  At  any  cost, 
Your  Majesty.  The  German  Sovereigns  offer  their 
troops — dirt  cheap!  The  Graf  von  Braunschweig 
— Herzog  von  Anhalt-Dessau — Landgraf  von  Ans- 
pach-Baireuth. — And  we  can  buy  whole  herds  of 
Hessians! 

CATHARINE 

Take  those  ! — Why  not?  They  fight  good — the  Ger 
mans  !  Good  enough  to  kill  your  people  in  America. 

VAUGHAN 

Yes,  Your  Majesty,  but  our  people  in  England  dis- 


52  BIG  KATE 


like  to  favor  the  Germans. —  They've  a  grudge 
'gainst  them.  You  see,  our  sovereign,  King  George, 
is  a  German — (Saluting)  God  save  him! 

CATHARINE 

Weeth  my  Cossacks? 

VAUGHAN   (urging) 

The  Yankees  will  run  at  sight  of  them — like  scared 
rabbits!  The  unrest  of  subjects — such  as  already 
threatens  in  France — will  end.  The  crowns  of 
Europe  be  secured  for  centuries — to  the  ever-lasting 
glory  of  "Big  Kate."  To  share  in  that  achieve 
ment,  Your  Majesty,  even  as  the  humblest  private, 
I'd  gladly  lay  down  my  life — in  America. 

CATHARINE  (after  a  slight  pause) 
But — you  would  go  there — ? 

VAUGHAN  (bowing  assent) 

To  hell!     If  it  serve  Your  Majesty. 

CATHARINE 

At  present,  no !  To-morrow,  maybe,  I  change  my 
mind — and  give  you  Cossacks.  (Rises) 

VAUGHAN 

'Til  to-morrow,  I'm  in  heaven.     (Makes  to  go) 

CATHARINE 

Then,  to-night,  we  make  fete!  Come!  We  go,  in 
sleigh,  to  Tsarkoi-Salo. 

PRINCESS  DASHKOFF  (nods  toward  rattling  windows) 
To  the  country  palace — in  such  a  storm !  (Coughs) 

CATHARINE 

Tees  bad  for  you,  yes !  Remain  here, — We  go,  Cap 
tain!  (Princess  Dashkoff  staggered:  Vaughan 
smiles  grimly)  (Rings:)  We  have  tea — for  make 
warm — and  en-route  Tsarkoi-Salo! 


BIG  KATE  53 


VAUGHAN 

But,  Your  Majesty,  my  attire? 

CATHARINE 

To-morrow  you  have  better — when  you  wake  up. 
(Servant  enters  with  tea  service  of  gold;  serves  the 
Empress  and  Princess  Dashkoff.  Then,  at  nod  from 
Catharine,  serves  Vaughan,  but  from  different  tea- 
urn.)  (Vaughan  raises  spoon  to  lips,  but  puts  it 
down  on  a  warning  cough  and  glance  from  Princess 
Dashkoff.  Servant  watches  them  closely  out  of  the 
corner  of  his  eye.  Khitroff,  walking  to  arid  fro  in 
corridor,  takes  in  the  scene.) 

SERVANT  (offering  cream-pitcher) 

Creme,  mi-lor?  (Vaughan  pretends  not  to  notice: 
turns  away)  (Servant:  more  pointedly,  as  he  offers 
lemon:)  Citron,  Mi-lor'  Ribblesdale?  (Vaughan, 
startled  for  a  second,  recovers  his  poise  and  takes 
the  slice  of  lemon.  Princess  Dashkoff,  on  contrary, 
utterly  disconcerted,  lets  fall  her  cup.) 

CATHARINE  (amazed) 
Mi-lor'  Ribblesdale! 

VAUGHAN  (bowing) 
Your  Majesty! 

CATHARINE 

The  school-master  is — gentleman? 

VAUGHAN 

Sometimes  happens  in  my  country. 

CATHARINE 

But  in  MY  country,  gentleman  does  not  make  mas 
querade  with  his  name! — That  is  for  chenapan — 
escroc-coquin — what  you  say  in  Ingleesh — (Lost  for 
the  word) 


54  BIG  KATE 


VAUGHAN  (prompting  her) 

"Rogue,"  Your  Majesty — or  "sharper"!  But  my 
name  is  really  Noel  Vaughan ; — my  title,  Lord  Rib- 
blesdale. 

CATHARINE   (to  Princess  Dcishkoff) 

And  you  knew?  (Points  to  cup  on  floor)  But,  of 
course,  yes!  Every  one  know!  Khitroff — and  the 
servant,  he  know !  And  the  Court — they  know — you 
make  fool  of  me! 

PRINCESS  DASHKOFF  (protesting) 
Your  Majesty — ! 

CATHARINE  (with  increasing  rage) 

One  big  damn  fool! — weeth  your  "book-worm" — 
"moon-shee" — "scharfskopf" — "booby" !  Mais  tou- 
jours  votre  amant!  And  always  you  make  love  under 
my  eyes — under  my  nose. 

PRINCESS  DASHKOFF 

And  under  Your  Majesty's  orders! — like  Countess 

Bruce  with  Kersckoff — Madame  Panin  with  Lans- 

koi — 
CATHARINE.      (In  a  frenzy,  seizes  the  dog  whip,  and 

approaches  her.     Vaughan  steps  between) 

Take  off  your — (indicates  waist) 
PRINCESS  DASHKOFF  (in  tone  of  appeal) 

In  God's  name,  Your  Majesty! 

CATHARINE 

And  you  will  bear  the  mark  a  year! 
PRINCESS  DASHKOFF  ( calmly ) 

Not  one  hour,  Your  Majesty !    For  in  less  than  that 

I'd  kill  myself. 
CATHARINE  ( calling ) 

Vlas!   (The  servant  appears  at  door) 


BIG  KATE  55 


PEIXCESS  DASHKOFF  (beaten) 

No ! — I  will.     (Servant  withdraws,  at  gesture  from 

Catharine) 
CATHARINE  (with  rising  wrath) 

Na-ked    yourself!       (Princess    Dashkoff    looks     to 

Vaughan,  who  makes  to  go.    Catharine  menacingly) 

No  !     Remain  ! — Queeck ! 

PRINCESS  DASHKOFF 

In  his  presence,  no! 

CATHARINE 

Bah!  Eet  not  the  first  time!  In  his  presence  you 
shall  be  whipped — or  before  half  the  court — like 
Countess  Bruce!  You  prefer  that?  (Raps  on  table 
twice  with  the  whip.  Khitroff  enters)  Tout  le 
monde!  (Khitroff  turns  to  summon  the  courtiers) 

PRINCESS  DASHKOFF  (imploringly) 

No,  I  implore  Your  Majesty!     (Starts  to  unbutton 

waist)     I   will   obey.     Only   let   me (Makes    to 

go  into  next  room) 

CATHARINE.     (Points  to  screen  in  front  of  French  Win 
dow) 

There !  Since  you  are  suddenly  so  modest.  (Prin 
cess  Dashkoff  goes  behind  screen.  Khitroff  resumes 
his  post  in  the  corridor.  Catharine  sits  at  table  and 
writes.  Vaughan,  unseen  by  her,  takes  the  dog 
whip,  pulls  lash  from  handle  and  throws  it  in  fire 
place.  Catharine  still  writing) 

CATHARINE  (to  Princess  Dashkoff) 

Make  queeck  toilette,  madame  !  You  have  long  jour 
ney — and  you  will  start  at  once. 

PRINCESS  DASHKOFF   (from  behind  screen) 
Alone,  Your  Majesty? 


56  BIG  KATE 


CATHARINE 

Khitroff  will  arrange — escort. 
VATTGHAN  (to  Catharine) 

It  should  include  me! — I  am  to  blame  for  all  this. 

CATHARINE 

Mi-lor'  Ribblesdale  will  leave  Petersbourg  to-night — 

PRINCESS  DASHKOFF  (from  behind  screen) 

Adieu,  Mi-lord !     (Another  garment  hung  on  screen) 

CATHARINE   (continuing,  in  ominous  tone) 
Or  we  give  you — Cossacks,  in  the  morning! 

VAUGHAN  (sotto  voce,  with  fervor) 

Till  then,  at  your  service  (as  if  about  to  embrace 
her)  most  wonderful — adorable — of  women !  (Seizes 
her  hand)  Till  to-morrow!  Give  me  just  those  few 
moments  of  divinity — and  nothing  else  matters — not 
life  nor  my  immortal  soul! 

CATHARINE   (amazed) 
Thou  lovest? 

VAUGHAN  (rushing  on) 

My  one,  poor  excuse  for  the  folly,  the  madness  of 
this  desperate  trick !  (Picks  up  the  school-book) 
But  only  that  I  might  approach  you — be  near  you 
— day  after  day — and  speak  these  words — and  hear 
you  say:  "I  love — Thou  lovest — We  love — You 
love —  '  over  and  over  again — from  those  glorious 
lips — 

CATHARINE  (drawing  away  slightly) 

But  Lord  Ribblesdale  could  speak  what  the  school 
master 

VAUGHAN  (breaking  in) 

Vanity! — mad  desire,  Kate — my  heart's  caprice — 
to  win,  in  this  humble  guise,  the  glory  of  the  gods! 


BIG  KATE  57 


To   make   prevail,    'gainst   every    odd   of   rank   and 
splendour,  the  power  of  my  passion. 
CATHARINE  (impressed) 

Thou  lov-est,  like  that?— Got  damn! 

VAUGHAN 

'Tis  only  the  beginning! 

CATHARINE 

And  she — there  (points  to  screen)  is  nothing  to  you? 
VAUGHAN  (with  every  show  of  sincerity) 

I  love  but  one  woman ! 
CATHARINE  (warningly) 

Eef  you  have  lie,  Milor' — ! 

VAUGHAN 

Put  me  to  the  proof — Any  test  you  like. 

CATHARINE 

Bon ! — The  test  of  Khorsakoff  and  Countess  Bruce ! 

(Calls)  Captain!     (Khitroff  at  door  back  enters) 
VAUGHAN  (uneasy) 

But  I  don't  understand ! 
CATHARINE  (indicating  the  Princess) 

She    understand!     (to    Khitroff,    and    pointing    to 

screen)  Debusquez! — (Khitroff  approaches  screen.) 
VAUGHAN  (intervening,  quickly) 

Not  while  I  live ! 

CATHARINE 

But  she  is  nothing  to  you !     (Takes  up  the  whip.) 

VAUGHAN 

A  woman ! — who  must  not  be  shamed  unto  death,  be 
cause  of  me ! 

CATHARINE  (enraged  as  she  notes  the  broken  whip:  to 
Khitroff:) 
Achevez!     (Khitroff    makes    to    go    behind    screen. 


58  BIG  KATE 


Vaughan  grips  him,  and  in  the  struggle  the  screen 
is  toppled  over.  The  French  window  stands  wide- 
open.  On  a  chair  are  the  Princess  Dashkoff's  gown 
and  lingerie.  From  the  NevsJci  Prospekt  comes  the 
varied  jingle  of  sleigh  bells) 

KHITROFF 

Gone  !  Your  Majesty ! 

CATHARINE 

Where?    How? 

KHITROFF  (indicating  open  window) 
Jump! 

CATHARINE 

Good !     She  freeze. — Naked ! 

VAUGHAN 

No!    She  took  my  great-coat. — 
KHITROFF  (at  window) 

See! 
CATHARINE  (at  window) 

Some  one  run — through  the  snow! 

VAUGHAN 

One  of  the  guards ! 

CATHARINE 

A  woman !    The  hair  flies  !    Tirez ! — Khitroff !  (Ehit- 

roff  draws  pistol;  aims)     Queeck ! 
VAUGHAN  (protesting) 

In  the  dark — others  may  be  struck — ! 
CATHARINE  (in  hysteria  of  rage) 

Tuez!    Tuez! 
VAUGHAN   (warningly) 

Your    Majesty! — Have    a    care! — Remember — "Big 

Lizzie" !     She  once  had  a  woman  killed,  and  never 

after  dared  sleep  alone ! 


BIG  KATE  59 


CATHARINE 

That  does  not  frighten  us  ! — Shoot,  Khitroff!  (Khit 
roff  aims  pistol) 

VAUGHAN 

Captain! — A  woman!  (With  the  crook  of  his  um 
brella  pulls  back  Khitroff's  arm;  the  pistol  falls  from 
his  hand) 

CATHARINE    (picks   Up   th#  pistol) 

Bah!  (Fires  twice;  peers  out)  All  right!  She 
fall!— No!  I  miss.  Got-damn !— The  dogs— Khit 
roff ! — (to  Vaughan)  They  tear  her  to  pieces.  (Cath 
arine  pulls  a  bell-cord,  and  deep-toned  gongs  ring 
through  the  corridors.  Khitroff  rushes  to  exit  left; 
Vaughan  bars  his  way,  with  sword  which  he  draws 
from  the  umbrella-stick.) 

VAUGHAN 

No!     (Khitroff  re-crosses  to  go  by  window.) 

CATHARINE 

Bring  her! 
KHITROFF  (at  window) 

No  see! — Yes — (points) — 1'Ambassade  Anglaise! — 
Elle  a  entree ! 

VAUGHAN 

Thank  God! 

CATHARINE 

Drag  her  out !     (Khitroff  exits)     Dead  or  alive ! 

VAUGHAN 

Your  Majesty! — An  English  subject? 
CATHARINE  (deriding) 
Princess  Dashkoff? 

VAUGHAN 

Now  Lady  Ribblesdale ! 


60  BIG  KATE 


CATHARINE  (beside  her ~s elf ') 

Menteur! — Tricheur ! — Fourbe!  (Makes  to  strike 
him.  Vaughan  seizes  her  hand  and  kisses  it) 

VAUGHAN 

I  shouldn't  say  that.  Your  Majesty — not  in  this  in 
stance.  Last  night — at  the  Embassy — I  made  her 
wife. 

CATHARINE  ( 'portentously) 

To-night  she  be  your  widow !  (Calls)  Vlas  !  Vlas ! 
(Goes  to  door,  right.  An  angry  voice  heard  off, 
right,  in  colloquy  with  Vlas.) 

THE  VOICE 

Now,  I  tell  you — and  no  damned  nonsense! — I  de 
mand  him  now  or  hell  to  pay ! 

CATHARINE  (with  humor) 
Ingleesh  Ambassador ! 

VLAS  (at  door) 

Sir  Charles  Williams ! 

CATHARINE 

What  he — demand? 

VLAS 

Mi-lor'  Ribblesdale.  (A  pause  during  which  Cath 
arine  glares  at  Vaughan) 

VAUGHAN  (bowing  deeply) 

With  Your  Majesty's  leave?  (makes  to  go,  but  Vlas 
bars  his  way  and  looks  to  Catharine  for  orders) 

CATHARINE  (with  gesture  of  dismissal) 

All  right!  (Vaughan  exits,  followed  by  Vlas.) 
(Catharine  dazed  by  this,  her  first  experience  of  a 
man's  slight — i/njuria  spretae  formae — flashes  with 
swiftly  changing  emotions: — bewilderment,  rage, 
pique,  consternation,  grief.  She  turns  to  the  mantel-. 


BIG  KATE  61 


mirror,  as  if  for  explanation  of  the  catastrophe. 
Peers  into  the  glass  with  anxious  scrutiny;  smooths 
her  brow,  temples,  the  outer  corner  of  her  mouth, 
her  neck,  in  search  of  tell-tale  lines.  Then  from  a 
t'my  rouge-box,  set  like  a  jewel  in  her  bracelet,  she 
"touehes-up"  cheeks,  lipsy  and  pencils  eye-brows; 
takes  up  a  hand-mirror;  surveys  herself  with  evident 
content,  humming  a  gay  tune.  Rings.  Khitroff 
enters.  He  brings  a  coat  of  silver-fox  which  he 
starts  to  put  on  Catharine.) 

CATHARINE  (declining) 
No. 

KHITROFF  (with  assurance) 
Yes! 

CATHARINE 

But — why?     I  have  not  cold. 

KHITROFF 

Your  Majesty  go  to  Tsarkoi-Salo. 

CATHARINE  (after  a  slight  pause,  during  which  she  sur 
veys  Khitroff  approvingly) 

All  right !  (Gets  into  coat  and  puts  on  gloves; — 
fumbles  with  thumb  of  glove.)  Bah!  thees  ring  pre 
vent!  (Extends  hand  to  Khitroff,  who  kisses  it 
rapturously,  and  then  the  other  hand;  squeezes  both 
till  Catharine  winces  in  pain)  Khitroff — you  hurt! 

KHITROFF  (kissing  her  hand  frantically) 

No!  No!  No!  The  ring  hurt! — (Pulls  the  ring 
roughly  from  Catharines  thumb,  throws  it  on  table. 
He  perches  on  corner  of  table,  with  impudent  assur 
ance.)  (Catharine  takes  up  ring  and  starts  to  put  it 
on  Khitroff9s  little  finger) 


62  BIG  KATE 


KHITROFF  (drawing  away) 

No! 
CATHARINE  (lightly) 

Till  to-morrow.      (Curtain  begins  to  descend  very 

slowly,  almost  imperceptibly) 

KHITROFF 

No! 
CATHARINE  (with  growing  insistence) 

One    year!     (Khitroff    shakes    head    "no")     Two! 

(Same  business)     Five!  (offers  ring.) 
KHITROFF  (with  finality) 

No  !     (Makes  to  go) 
CATHARINE  (restraining  him) 

Long  as  you  live ! 
KHITROFF  (with  knowing  smile) 

Like   Lanskoi?    Zavadovski?    Zoritch? — Yermoloff? 

They  not  live  long!     (Shakes  head  "no"  and  makes 

as  if  to  leave  her) 

CATHARINE 

Long  as  7  live !     (Thrusts  ring  at  him) 

KHITROFF 

Swear!  (indicates  the  ikon,  which  she  touches  to 
her  lips)  All  right !  (Lets  her  put  ring  on  his  lit 
tle  finger) 

CATHARINE  (tensely) 
Thou  lov-est? 

KHITROFF  (-fiercely) 
Yes! 

CATHARINE 

Swear,  Khitroff!  (Khitroff  swears  in  Russian) 
Ingleesh !  Swear,  Ingleesh ! 


BIG  KATE  63 


KHITEOFF  (-fervently) 
Got-damn ! 

CATHARINE 

More  !    (Holds  up  hand  in  gesture  of  oath) 
KHITROFF  (assenting) 

At  Tsarkoi  Salo ! — Come !     (Takes  her  by  the  arm 
and  turns  to  exit,  quickly  as — 


CURTAIN 


THE  REAL  PEOPLE 


A  SAWDUST  TRAGEDY  IX  ONE  ACT 


THE  PERSONS  OF  THE  PLAY 

MAM'SELLE  TONI A  Bare-back  Rider 

FEATHERS The  Clown 

CAPTAIN    SAUNDERS,   Proprietor   and   Ring-master   of 

"Saunders'  Circus." 
THE  CALL-BOY 


THE   REAL   PEOPLE 


THE  SCENE 

A  dressing-room  in  a  small  tent  that  opens  on  the 
main  tent  of  a  travelling  circus.  At  right  and  left  of 
proscenium,  a  placard — as  in  a  vaudeville-theatre — 
reads: 

"FEATHER  S," 
Caruso  of  Clowns 

and 
Napoleon  of  Animal  Trainers. 

At  rise  of  curtain — and  a  few  seconds  before — one 
hears,  off,  and  rather  -faint,  the  characteristic  hand- 
organ  of  the  side-shows;  and  the  barkers'  cries: 
"Lemonade — Ice  Cold  Lemonade.'"  "Peanuts — Hot — 
Roasted  Peanuts" — "Don't  fail  to  see  the  Fat  Lady" 
"This  way,  Ladies  and  Gentlemen — "  etc.,  etc.  Above 
these  noises — which  soften  as  curtain  ascends,  is  heard 
the  clown's  voice,  in  a  typical  song. 

At  rise  of  curtain  Mademoiselle  Toni,  a  bareback 
rider,  in  the  usual  tulle  skirts  and  pink  fleshings,  is 
practising  her  knife  "stunt";  throws  the  blades  at  a 
target  at  opposite  side  of  stage,  while  she  bobs  on  a 
spring-board  as  if  on  a  moving  horse. 


68  THE  REAL  PEOPLE 

CALL-BOY'S  VOICE   (at  right) 
Mam'selle  Toni! 

TONI 

Yes! 
CALL-BOY'S  VOICE 

Note  for  you.     (Puts  note  through  tent  flap) 
TONI  (talcing  note) 

Thanks ! — (Looks  at  envelope.  Starts   to   open  it; 

changes   her  mind  as  Feathers9  voice  draws  near) 

No  answer.     (Hands  note  through  flap) 

CALL-BOY  (insisting) 
It's  from  Box  A. 

TONI 

Take  it  back !  (Feathers,  in  grotesque  costume  and 
"make-up,"  enters  from  show  tent,  half  turned  from 
audience.  He  is  singing  last  line  or  two  of  a  rollick 
ing  clown's  song:) 

FEATHERS 

"And  so  you  see, 
I  dare  not  be 

As  funny  as  I  can !" 

(From  the  show  tent  one  hears  applause  and  laugh 
ter.  As  Feathers  turns  front  his  expression  changes, 
suddenly,  from  gayety  to  mingled  rage  and  anxiety) 
He's  here  again — in  Box  A.  (Points  off) 

TONI  (evasively) 

He  must  like  the  show! 

FEATHERS  (ruefully) 

'Tisn't  the  show  he  comes  for! 


THE  REAL  PEOPLE  69 

TONI  (cajolingly) 

Now,  now,  Feathers — don't  be  silly ! — Or  we'll  scrap ! 
(Adjusts  his  big  bow.) 

FEATHERS 

You'll  not  dine  with  him? 
TOXI 

Has  he  asked  me? 

FEATHERS 

I  saw  the  call-boy  bring  a  note. 
TOXI 

I  didn't  read  it ! 
FEATHERS   (reproachfully) 

And  wasn't  going  to  tell  me  'bout  it ! 
TONI 

You'd  only  "fuss   up" !     And  your   animals   would 

feel   it.      They   did   last   night.      Moment   you   saw 

"Diamond  Joe,"  in  front — you  lost  your  control — 

and  one  of  'em  flew  at  you! 

FEATHERS 

That  silly  beast,  Sultana ! — But  she  only  meant  to 
warn  me.  (With  growing  somberness)  They  know 
when  trouble's  brewing — quicker  than  we  do. 

TOXI  (to  cheer  him  up) 

Now,  look  at  you!  (Holds  a  hand  mirror  be-fore 
him)  Face  as  long  as  a  Chinaman's  funeral — and 
they've  paid  out  there  to  laugh  their  heads  off. 

FEATHERS   (bucking  up) 

So  they  shall! — And  split  their  sides — (tragically,) 
though  my  heart  breaks.  (Makes  to  exit) 

TOXI  (intervening) 

You  frighten  me !     What  is  it  ? 


70  THE  REAL  PEOPLE 

FEATHERS 

I  can't  tell  you! 

TONI 

You  must! 

FEATHERS 

I  don't  know — 'cept  for  talk  'mong  the  people,  'bout 
the  Boss  and  his  friend — some  devil's  game  they're 
up  to — with  this  supper  party. — Don't  go,  Toni. 
TONI 

'Course  not — if  you  feel  that  way! — But  what'll  I 
say  to  the  Boss? 

FEATHERS 

That  you  won't  go ! 
TONI 

He'll  make  me! 

FEATHERS 

How? 

TONI  (hopelessly) 

Ah!     (Turns  away) 
FEATHERS  (with  quiet  vehemence) 

Promise  you  won't  go — and  I  promise  he  won't  make 

you! 
TONI  (with  spirit) 

Now,  you'll  not  quarrel  over  me — and  lose  your  job. 

FEATHERS 

They  can  take  my  job,  but  they  shan't  take  you! 
(Picks  up  one  of  the  juggling  knives) 
TONI  (takes  it  from  him) 

Why'd  you  stop  that  knife,  last  night? 

FEATHERS 

It  was  goin'  straight  to  Box  A! 


THE  REAL  PEOPLE  71 

TOXI  (throws  the  knife) 

Straight  as — that ! — And  you  jumped  for  it! 

FEATHEKS 

Good  God! — you  didn't  mean — ? 

TOXI   (derisively) 

No ! — It  was  an  "accident"  ! — It's  happened  before 
— in  other  shows.  Can  happen  again — to-night ! — 
And  we'd  been  rid  of  the  beast.  (A  gong  rings  in 
the  main-tent)  (Saunders  enters  from  main-tent. 
He  is  in  sputtering  rage) 

SAUXDERS  (to  Feathers) 

Why'd  you  leave  the  ring  before  the  gong? — Cut 
half  your  song? 

FEATHERS     (confused) 

I—I— 

SAUXDERS 

Get  out  there — where  you  b'long!  (Lashes  at  him) 

(Toni  moves  to  intervene.) 
FEATHERS  (seizes  the  whip) 

You're   gettin'   careless   with  that   whip,   Captain — 

'specially  when  she's  ridin' ! — Every  time,  I  notice, 

you  land  on  her — 
TOXI  (quickly,  in  alarm) 

But  he  don't  mean  to ! 
SAUXDERS  (mockingly) 

Oh,  no  !     Of  course  not ! 

FEATHERS 

Then  quit  it ! — It  worries  me. 
SAUXDERS  (with  burst  of  laughter) 

Why,  Feathers,  you're  actually  funny !  You  make 
me  laugh — (bitingly)  and  that's  more  than  you've 
done  with  the  Reub's  lately — I  began  to  wonder 


72  THE  REAL  PEOPLE 

where  you  got  your  reputation!  (Laughing:)  Been 
holdin'  out  on  me,  eh?  Well,  go  to  it,  now — and 
(Imitating  Feathers'  song:) 

"Let  'em  see 
You  dare  to  be 

As  funny  as  you  can!" 

FEATHERS 

I  can't  be  funny,  Saunders,  while  you're  so  gay  with 
that  lash.     It  worries  me. 
SAUNDERS  (with  elaborate  cajolery) 

Well,  we  can't  have  you  worried,  Feathers !  A 
worried  clown  ain't  worth  his  feed,  in  my  show.  (Re 
takes  the  whip)  So  I'll  quit  it. 

FEATHERS    ( portentously ) 

Good  idea!     (Makes  to  exit) 

SAUNDERS 

And — you'll  quit  too! — After  the  show.     (Feathers 
exits)     Why  didn't  you  answer  my  friend's  note? 
TONI 
I  did. 

SAUNDERS 

You  sent  it  back  unopened.     (Shows  note) 
TONI    (nodding  "Yes") 

That  was  my  answer! 
SAUNDERS  (lashes  her) 

There's  mine! 
TONI  (winces  and  draws  away) 

You've  no  right  to  do  that! 
SAUNDERS  (following  up) 

Since  when — no  right  to  make  my  cattle  behave? 


THE  REAL  PEOPLE  73 

TOXI  (rubbing  the  hurt) 
That's   no  way. 

SAUXDERS 

It's  the  way  in  Saunders'  Circus — 

TOXI 

Well,  it  isn't  being  done,  now-a-days. 

SAUXDERS 

That's  how  I  made  you!  What  was  you  when  I 
took  you?  You  forget  that? 

TOXI 

Oh,  no!  You've  told  me  too  often; — a  frowsy- 
haired,  spindle-shanked  ragamuffin,  street-dancin' 
with  a  gyp-show. 

SAUXDERS 

And  when  you  didn't  earn  enough — beat  black-and- 
blue  by  your  Romany  dad. 
TOXI  (nodding  "Yes") 
But  he  was  my  dad. 

SAUXDERS 

Till  the  police  got  busy!  Then  he  sold  you  to  me, 
for  a  calico  pony  and  a  Persian  goat.  That's  how 
you  started. 

TOXI 

Well,  I  guess  you  was  no  Barnum-Bailey  when  you 
started. 

SAUXDERS  (threatens  to  choke  her) 

If  you  weren't  going  out  to  dinner — I'd — 

TOXI 

Don't  let  that  stop  you — 'cause  I'm  not  going! — 
I  promised  Feathers.  (Draws  away) 


74  THE  REAL  PEOPLE 

SAUNDERS   (explosively) 

"Feathers"?     (Follows  her  up)     See  here — you  in 

love  with  him? 
TONI  (evasively) 

We're  good  pals. 
SAUNDERS  (laughing  derisively) 

In  love  with  a  chalk-face! 
TONI  (indicating  applause  in  show-tent) 

He's  the  whole  show — with  his  trained  animals. 
SAUNDERS  (some  geese  are  led  by  at  back) 

There  they  go ! — his  "trained  animals" !     A  pair  of 

geese! — /  train  lions. 

TONI 

Any  -fool  can  train  lions, — 'cause  lions  have  sense. — 
But  it  takes  a  great  man  to  train  a  goose. 

SAUNDERS 

Well,  he's  trained  you,  sure  enough. 
TONI  (assenting) 

With  kindness — affection — things  I've  never  had 
from  you,  Mr.  Saunders ! — From  the  time  I  was  a 
kid,  in  your  circus  I've  known  only  the  whip-and- 
tongue-lash.  (Cries  softly) 

SAUNDERS 

You  any  worse  for  it? 
TONI 

You  are! — Much  worse! — When  you  strike  me  you 
hurt  only  my  body.  But  with  every  blow  you  hurt 
your  own  soul,  and  manhood — until  you've  made 
yourself  so  like  the  cruel,  wild  beasts  in  the  cages  that 
they  feel  you're  one  of  their  own  kind  and  no  longer 
fear  you.  That's  why  you  quit  taming  "big  cats." 


THE  REAL  PEOPLE  75 

SAUNDERS  (strikes  her  on  mouth  with  back  of  hand) 
Stow  that  Billingsgate ! — You  know  it  don't  go  in 
Saunders'  Circus.  You  got  to  be  ladies  arid  gents — 
in  the  ring  and  out.  (She  cries  softly)  Don't  try 
to  whimper  out  of  it !  (Cracks  whip  at  her)  Answer 
that !  (Opens  the  note  and  hands  it  to  her.) 

TONI  (after  glance  at  note,  tosses  it  aside)     ("No") 
Not  to-night !    I  ain't  hungry — 

SAUNDERS 
Is  that  all? 

TONI 

No!  /  hate  him — hate  his  grin — every  time  I  ride 
past  his  box.  It  rattles  me — and  my  horse,  too! 
Couldn't  dance  a  step  last  night! — And  my  knife 
stunt — you  saw  what  happened — only  for  Feathers  ! 
Your  friend  better  sit  where  I  can't  see  him. — There 
might  be  an  accident,  some  night ! 

SAUNDERS 

Your  last  chance,  to-night ! 

TONI  (overjoyed) 
I'm  to  quit? 

SAUNDERS  (with  mock  pathos) 

We  all  quit — to-night. — I've  been  runnin'  the  show 
on  borrowed  money,  since  we  took  to  the  road. — 
You  know  what  we've  been  up  against — rain  every 
day  'cept  Sundays.  No  circus  ever  struck  such 
weather — since  Noah's  time!  Diamond  Joe  took  a 
likin'  to  your  act — an'  kept  the  show  goin' — just  so 
he  could  see  you  ride — 

TONI  (regretfully) 
O,  was  that  it? 


76  THE  REAL  PEOPLE 

SAUNDERS  (re-assuringly) 

What  you  think  it  was — you  bone-rack? 
TONI 

I  thought, — maybe — 

SAUNDERS 

And  for  that,  you'd  let  the  sheriff  get  us — and  all 
these  poor  devils  out  of  work? — Fine  pal,  you  are! 
TONI 

Oh,  of  course,  if  you  put  it  that  way!  (She  sits  at 
dressing-table;  starts  to  write — puts  down  pen:) 
You  just  tell  him — I'll  eat  with  him. 

SATJNDERS 

Do  it  like  a  lady !   (Puts  pen  in  her  hand — dictates:) 

"Dear  Joe" 

TONI  (as  she  writes) 

"Dear  Sir — Yours  received — All  right — Pll  be  there 
— Toni — Saunders — "  (Turns  the  letter-page  and 
continues  writing; — makes  to  put  note  in  envelope.) 

SAUNDERS 

Let's  see.     (Takes  letter,  reads  first  part  silently, 
then  turns  page,  as  she  did;  reads:)     "I'll  bring  my 
friend  Feathers  to  the  party."     (Extends  the  letter) 
Tear  that  off! 
TONI  (refusing  the  letter) 
No. 

SAUNDERS 

I'll  save  you  the  trouble.     (Tears  off  the  page) 
TONI 

Then  I'll  not  send  it. 

SAUNDERS 

I'll  save  you  that  trouble,  too.  (Puts  sheet  in 
envelope,  makes  to  exit) 


THE  REAL  PEOPLE  77 

TONI  (approaches  him,  quickly) 
What  you  going  to  do? 

SAUNDERS 

Give  it  to  Joe. 
TONI  (pleadingly) 

Please  don't !  'cause  I  shan't  dine  with  him  alone ! 

SAUNDERS 

I'll  be  there! 

TONI 

Then  why  not  Feathers? 

SAUNDERS 

He's  too  worried  for — a  wedding-party. 
TONI 
Whose? 

SAUNDERS 

Yours — in  Joe's  room. 
TONI  (bewildered) 
What  you  up  to? 

SAUNDERS 

You're  going  to  marry  him  to-night. 

TONI  (in  panic) 

No!     (Looks  about  for  some  way  to  escape) 

SAUNDERS    (indicating   note) 
You  fixed  it,  yourself! 

TONI 

I  won't  go!  (Grabs  letter  from  Sounders;  starts  to 
tear  it  to  pieces) 

SAUNDERS  (as  he  grabs  her  by  the  throat) 

You  little  cat!  Give  it!  (Chokes  her  till  she  drops 
note.  For  a  while  she  stares  at  him  with  ominous 
calm.  Puts  her  hand  to  throat,  as  if  m  pain,  swal 
lows  hard) 


78  THE  REAL  PEOPLE 

TONI  (coldly,  indicating  throat) 

Does  it  leave  a  mark,  Mr.  Saunders? 
SAUNDERS  (turning  away) 

Ask  Feathers. — He's  off  in  a  minute. 
TONI  (matter-of-fact  tone) 

He'll  kill  you!     (Goes  to  mirror  so  as  better  to  see 

the  marks) 
SAUNDERS  (derisively) 

"Kill  me"? 

TONI    (coldly) 

I  believe  he'd  kill  you  if  he  saw  this.     (Covers  the 
mark  with  her  hand) 

SAUNDERS 

Well,  to  make  sure, — show  him  that.     (Lashes  her 
'cross  shoulders) 

TONI  (takes  up  a  juggling-knife  from  dressing-table) 
Yes — but  first  I'll  show  him — that!  (Like  a  flash 
she  turns  and  stabs  him)  (Saunders  gasps,  totters 
back  to  the  tent-pole,  against  which  he  leans  un 
steadily.  Feathers  enters  from  main-tent.  He  is  in 
rollicking  laughter,  or  else  concluding  a  comic  song. 
After  final  bow  to  the  circus  audience  he  turns 
quickly  to  see  Toni  leaning,  faint,  9  gainst  the  dress 
ing-table;  his  tone  changes  suddenly  from  gayety 
to  panic) 

FEATHERS  (aghast) 
What  is  it? 

TONI  (breathless) 
He — struck — me — 

FEATHERS  (makes  to  attack  Saunders) 
By  God,  then  I'll— 


THE  REAL  PEOPLE  79 

TONI  (intervening) 

No !     (Knife  falls  from  her  hand) 
FEATHERS   (taking  up  the  knife) 

That's  my  work,  Toni! 

TONI  (restraining  him) 
I've  done  it,  for  you. 

SAUNDERS  (gaspingly) 

And  you've  done  for  me — but — you'll  pay  for  it! 

TONI  (smiling;  joyous,  ecstatic) 

I  mean  to! — I  want  to  hang  for  it — so  Feathers 
shouldn't!  (Throws  her  arms  about  him,  gingerly. 
Feathers  kisses  her  violently) 

Placard,  at  right  and  left  of  proscenium,  is  replaced 

by  card  reading: 

M  L  L  E.     TONI 

and 
HER  DANCING  HORSE,  TIPTOE. 

CALL-BOY  (heard  off,  in  sing-song) 

Mam'selle  Toni — Mam'selle  Toni!  (Feathers  still 
kissing  her) 

SAUNDERS   (angrily) 
Your  turn! 

CALL-BOY  (at  entrance) 

Props,  mam'selle !  (Feathers  starts  to  hand  two  or 
three  tissue-covered  hoops  through  the  flap) 

TONI  (intervenes  quickly)  (To  Call-Boy)  Right-O! 
(To  Feathers)  They  mustn't  see  you  here.  (Hands 
the  hoops  to  the  C all-Boy) 


80  THE  REAL  PEOPLE 

SAUNDERS  (gasps  family,  in  an  effort  to  call  help) 

Boy !   Boy !    (Feathers  silences  him  by  putting  hand 

over  mouth) 
CALL-BOY'S  VOICE 

Knives,  Mam'selle. 
TONI 

O,  yes — knives.     (Saunders  gestures  "No")     I — I — 

want  'em — to-night     (Hands  them  to  Call-Boy) 
A  VOICE,  OFF  (announcing  through  megaphone) 

Nex'  number  on  the  program:  "Mam'selle  Toni,  and 

her  famous  dancing  horse,  Tiptoe."     (Music:  "Fox 

Trot  Medley.99) 
CALL-BOY'S  VOICE 

Your  music  cue, — Mam'selle. 
TONI 

Right-O!      (Half -fainting,    staggers    toward    exit) 
FEATHERS  (arm  about  her) 

You   can't   ride — you   can't — (All  the  time   kissing 

her) 

SAUNDERS   (with  a  gesture  of  command  makes  to  in 
tervene.     To  Toni:) 

Go  on !    Your  duty  to  the  public !     (Totters  weakly 

toward  exit) 
TONI  (insisting  to  Feathers  who  restrains  her) 

Yes — let  me  go — let  me — 

FEATHERS 

You'd  fall — hurt  yourself ! — Wait !  (Pushes  Saun 
ders  back.)  (Feathers  shows  himself  at  entrance  to 
main-tent.  He  is  greeted  with  applause  and  shouts 
of  "Feathers!"  "Bravo!"  He  shakes  his  head  "No," 
and  gestures  silence.  Calls  off)  Stop  the  music ! 
There's  been  an  accident  (Music  ceases)  (To  audi- 


THE  REAL  PEOPLE  81 

ence:)  Ladies  and  gentlemen — Mam'selle  Toni  and 
her  famous  dancing  horse  will  not  appear  to-night! 
— An  accident! — You'll  get  your  money  back  at 
the  ticket-wagon.  (Saunders  topples  to  the  ground) 
The  performance  is  over!  (Collapses  in  tears) 
(Turns  to  Toni)  Now  for  Diamond  Joe!  (Makes 
to  exit:  halts)  Here  he  comes!  (Draws  pistol:  cocks 
it  as  he  exits) 
TONI  (joyously) 

Good !  Kill  him !  (Drops  into  a  chair,  at  dressing- 
table;  buries  head  in  arms.  Enter  back,  or  left, 
the  C all-Boy — a  negro,  very  black.  He  comes 
on  briskly,  singing  Feathers'  verses:  "So  you  see, 
I  dare  not  be,19  etc.  He  carries  on  upraised  hand 
a  tray  on  which  are  several  covered  dishes,  glass  of 
celery,  plates,  and  conspicuous,  a  bridal  bouquet. 
He  stumbles  on  a  tent-peg,  and  the  dishes  fly  noisily 
in  all  directions.  On  the  noise  Feathers  re-enters. 
Saunders  jumps  to  his  -feet.  Note:  From  this  point 
on,  to  the  conclusion  of  Act,  tlie  players  address 
one  another  by  their  real  names.) 

FEATHERS   (angrily) 
What's  that? 

CALL-BOY  (frightened.  Puts  on  table,  from  his  pockets, 
several  tissue-covered  sandwiches,  apples,  etc.) 
Accident!      There's     been     an     accident!       (Exits 
quickly) 

SAUNDERS  (taking  up  the  bridal  bouquet) 

Lunch — I  had  sent  in. 
FEATHERS  (angrily) 

You  wouldn't  eat  now? 


82  THE  REAL  PEOPLE 

SAUNDERS  (eyeing  wreck  on  floor) 

— We're   not   in   your   scene   with   Diamond   Joe — 

and   my   wife's   rather    faint — (Hands   her   box   of 

chocolates) 
FEATHERS   (staggered) 

Your  wife? — not  really? 
TONI  (timidly) 

We're  married.     (Shows  the  bridal  bouquet) 

FEATHERS 

When  I  engaged  you,  you  said  you  were  only — 
engaged. 

SAUNDERS 

Her  parents  opposed  our  engagement — 
TONI 

Think  I'm  too  young — 

SAUNDERS 

So  we  got  married,  this  morning. 

FEATHERS 

I  knew  something  was  wrong — from  your  acting. 

SAUNDERS 

Not  hers ! 

FEATHERS 

O,  I  could  do  something  with  her! — But  you!  (Ges 
ture  of  hopelessness) 
TONI  (flaring) 
He's  splendid! 

FEATHERS 

Not  for  vaudeville.     (Takes  a  sandwich) 
SAUNDERS   (piqued) 

What's  the  matter  with  me? — Mr.  .  .  .  (Name  of 
actor.  Feathers  can't  answer  with  his  mouthful  of 
food.  Louder:)  What's  wrong  with  me? 


THE  REAL  PEOPLE  83 

FEATHERS  (after  swallowing  hard) 

You  ain't  brutal  enough! 
TOXI  (staggered) 

Not  "brutal  enough!" 

FEATHERS 

Not  for  vaudeville !  (Indicating  audience)  You 
want  those  people  out  there  to  sympathize  with  you 
— weep  over  you ! — Show  'em  you're  scared  of  Saun- 
ders — (His  fist  under  her  nose)  that  he's  got  you 
cowed ! 
TONI 

So  he  has  ! — Cowed — bullied,  buffaloed — and  all  the 
rest  of  the  male  brutes ! 

FEATHERS 

You  didn't  show  it !    And  you  got  to  show  it !     (To 
audience)     Don't  you  got  to  show  you?     (To  Saun- 
ders,  very  gently  and  softly)     Growl  and  bark  at 
her!      (Takes    another    sandwich)     The    way    you 
purred,  they'd  know  she's  your  wife ! 
TONI  (under  her  breath) 
Scarcely ! 

FEATHERS 

And  where's  the  blood  from  the  stab?     (Jabs  Saun- 

ders*  shirt  bosom) 
SAUNDERS  (disconcerted) 

I — I — thought  the  audience  would  imagine — 
FEATHERS  (impatient) 

Say! — Whenever     a     vaudeville     audience     has     to 

imagine  things — you'll  have  to  imagine  the  audience. 

— Show  'em! — (Takes  up  a  can  of  red  paint  and 

makes  to  mark  the  "stab"  on  Saunders) 


84  THE  REAL  PEOPLE 

TONI  (intervening,  in  alarm) 

Please,  Mr.  .  .  .  (Blank) — I'm  to  blame — I  asked 
my  husband  not  to — It  made  me  sort  o' — (Hand  on 
stomach)  faint — and  I  thought  we  could  omit  the — 
(half -whisper)  blood — at  least  while  we're  playing 
New  York. 

FEATHEKS  (confidential,  but  intense) 

When  you're  playing  New  York — New  Haven — 
New  Zealand — or  Newark — you're  playing  "in  Mis 
souri"  ! — And  you  got  to  show  'em — Don't  you  never 
read  the  critics? — "Cut  out  the  red  paint"!  Why, 
that's  the  best  thing  I  wrote! 

TONI 

Yes,  and  it's  very  powerful;  but  some  ladies  can't 
stand  it — makes  them  deathly  ill — 

FEATHERS 

That's  what  I  figger  on! — That's  my  punch! — (In 
dicating  audience)  They're  not  your  Fifth  Avenue 
lah-de-dahs — with  lemon-meringues  for  brains :  and 
none  o'  your  blazay  Broadway  first-nighters,  with 
porter-house  steaks  for  hearts !  They're  the  real 
people  out  there :  the  worried,  tired  business-man — 
w'ot  the  critics  write  about; — the  poor,  over 
worked  house-wife,  with  a  raft  o'  kids  at  home  to 
look  after. — They  come  here  for  their  romance — 
and  to  forget  the  dull  grind  of  business  and  house 
work. — And  you'll  see  'em  comin' — day  after  day — 
the  same  people — every  matinee — and  again  at  night 
— upstairs.  But  they  want  real  dray-ma!  not  fak 
ing—  ( To  Toni)  like  that  back-fall  of  his!  (To 
Saunders,  who  is  rubbing  back  of  his  head)  You 
just  flopped!  (Imitates,  limply) 


THE  REAL  PEOPLE  85 

TONI 

Good  Lord!     I  heard  his  poor  head  bump! 

FEATHERS  (indicates  audience) 

But  they  got  to  hear  it  bump !  (To  Saunders) 
They'll  want  to  hear  it  crack — if  you  treat  her  right 
— way  I'm  tellin'  you.  (Indicating  audience)  Those 
people  got  hearts — witals !  (To  Toni)  You'll  get 
an  encore  when  you  kill  him! — 'cause  that's  life! 
I've  saw  the  biggest  stars  leave  'em  cold — with  bunk: 
Mrs.  Fiske  with  that  Ibsen  sex  stuff — Arnold  Daly 
and  his  Shaw  piffle — Richard  Bennett  with  Mr. 
Brieux's  "Damaged  Spine"  and  locomotor-ataxia ! 
Why,  they  sat  out  there  like  they  had  it — or  was 
doped ! — (Changes  to  cheery  tone)  And  five  minutes 
later,  an  animal  act ! — and  they  crying  their  eyes 
out  over  a  dog  in  a  night-cap  singing  a  sick  pup  to 
sleep.  (Plaintively,  to  Saunders)  Now,  why  can't 
you  do  it? 

SAUNDERS  (rather  peeved,  offers  "role") 
You  play  my  part ! 

FEATHERS 

Good  idea! 
TOXI  (offering  her  role) 

Here's  another — play  mine! 
SAUXDERS  (in  alarm) 

No,   no! — We'll    try    the    scene    again,   dear — more 

"brutal"? 

FEATHERS 

Yes,  'specially  with  that  whip!     (Cracks  the  whip) 
TOXI   (rubbing  the  lash  marks) 

Perhaps  you'd  like  it  better  if  he  used  a  club  on  me — 


86  THE  REAL  PEOPLE 

(Through  tears  of  weariness)  or  a  tent-stake.  (Kicks 
one  at  him) 

FEATHERS 

Good  idea.  (Picks  up  the  stake.  Stamps  toward 
Toni,  fiercely:)  Fly  at  her!  Roar! — Beat  her 
down!  Drive  her  back!  Like  that — (Stamps,  and 
raises  stake  at  Toni) — and  that — and  that!  (Toni 
doesn't  stir;  quite  unmoved,  goes  on  munching 
chocolates.  Feathers  triumphant:)  There!  Para 
lyzed  with  fear !  Your  wife's  got  a  heart ! 

TONI  (in  sudden  rage  and  rather  hysteric;  she  beats 
him  down  with  each  sentence:) 
You  haven't!  Or  if  you  have,  it's  sawdust — not 
flesh-and-blood !  Or  you  wouldn't  always  find  fault 
with  my  husband — nag  him — insult  him — eat  his 
lunch — and  ask  him  to  crack  his  skull. — Well,  he 
shan't  do  it!  And  if  you  can't  "show"  an  audience 
without  that  sort  of  thing,  crack  your  own  skull! 
And  when  you  kiss  me,  you'll  please  kiss  me  on  the 
cheek! 

FEATHERS  (jumping  m) 
"Cheek"? 

TONI  (ditto) 

Yes,  and  once — only  once! 

SAUNDERS    (ditto) 

Quite  enough! 

FEATHERS     (ditto) 

Not  for  the  "tired  business  man." 
TONI  (quite  beside  herself) 

If  you  think  you  can  kiss  me  all  over  the  place — 
day  I'm  married — you  try  it !  Just  you  try  it !  And 
I'll  show  the  audience,  how  cowed  I  am — and  bullied 


THE  REAL  PEOPLE  87 

— and   paralyzed. — And    I'll    show   you,   Mr.  .   .   . 

(Blank) — that  you're  rehearsing  a  couple  of  artists 

— not  a  pair  of  geese !     (Bursts  out  crying) 
FEATHERS  (beaming  triumphantly.    To  audience) 

See   the   difference? — when   she's    really    frightened? 

(To  Toni)     Try  it  with  him !    And  forget  he's  your 

husband. 
TONI   (angrily,  through  her  tears) 

Not  for  vaudeville.  (Begins  to  put  on  street  clothes) 

SATINDERS 

There!     The  poor  girl's  all  un-nerved — fagged  out. 
No  more  now.     We're  going  out  to  eat. 
FEATHERS  (with  elaborate  resignation,  sandwich  in  one 
hand,  celery  in  the  other.) 
Go  as  far  as  you  like ! 

SAUNDERS 

Won't  you  join  us?     (Takes  up  hat  and  coat) 

TONI 

I'm  sure  you  must  be  starved! 
FEATHERS  (protesting  through  a  mouthful) 

I'll  peck  at  this.     (Takes  up  apple  from  floor)     I 

can't  eat  during  rehearsals. 
TONI   (fetches  box  of  chocolates  from  'dressing-table, 

offers  them) 
FEATHERS  (looking  at  her) 

Chocolates? 
TONI  (nodding  "Yes") 

They'll  keep  you  going  till  you  can  eat. 

FEATHERS 

Good  idea!     (Empties  all  the  chocolates  into  his  cap 
and  returns  her  the  box) 


88  THE  REAL  PEOPLE 

TONI  (taking  the  hint) 

Are  we  to  come  back — after  lunch? 

FEATHERS  ( gestures  "No") 

Not  if  you're  still  married! 
TONI 
What! 

FEATHERS 

'Stead  of  lunch — get  a  divorce! 

TONI   AND   SAUNDERS 

Not  for  vaudeville.  (They  exit  quickly.  The  Call- 
Boy  enters  from  back:  gathers  up  the  lunch  dishes, 
all  the  while  laughing  vociferously:) 

FEATHERS 

What  you  laughing  at? 
CALL-BOY  (through  guffaws) 

You-ah   play,   boss.      Ah-ve   been   listenin' — an'   ah 

mos'    bus'    mah    sides    laughin' — It    shuah    am    too 

funny ! 
FEATHERS  (in  temper) 

"Too  funny?'9    You — (Picks  up  vase  to  throw) 
CALL-BOY  (quickly)  (stammering) 

N — n — not  for  vaudeville ! 


CURTAIN 


AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS? 

A    HOLIDAY    TRAGEDY    IN    ONE    ACT 


THE  PERSONS  OF  THE  PLAY 

FELIX  TORREY 
MRS.  TORREY 
Miss  KAYE 
TOM  FARREN 


AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS? 


The  seem  is  the  office  of  Felix  Torrey,  Architect 
and  Builder.  A  well-appointed  room  with  furniture  of 
mahogany  or  antique  oak;  dark  rugs  on  the  parquet- 
floor;  on  the  walls  pictures  of  famous  structures — the 
Colosseum,  Pantheon,  Milan  Cathedral,  etc.,  and  archi 
tect's  drawings  of  bridges.  A  door,  at  back,  opens  on 
the  corridor  of  an  office  building;  door  at  right  leads 
to  Tom  Farren's  room;  door  at  left  to  Miss  Kaye's. 
Down  stage,  right,  a  window,  with  hangings,  looks 
down  on  the  street.  At  rise  of  curtain,  Felix  Torrey 
is  seated  at  desk,  center,  occupied  with  architect's  blue 
prints.  He  is  a  man  of  about  forty,  of  medium  height, 
powerful  build;  the  face,  though  rather  heavy,  indi 
cates  strong,  determined,  self -reliant  character.  His 
manner  and  bearing  add  to  that  impression;  and,  alto 
gether,  Torrey  looks  the  man  quite  able  to  hold  his 
own  in  life. 

TORREY  (calling) 

Farren !  (Looks  toward  door  at  right.  Louder) 
Tom !  (Rises,  touches  push-button  on  wall,  crosses 
to  door  right,  and  looks  in.  Miss  Kaye  enters, 
from  left.  She  is  a  girl  of  wholesome  prettiness; 
reddish  hair,  irregular  features,  peach- and- ere  am 
coloring.  She  is  dressed  simply,  of  course;  but  her 


92  AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS? 

skirt   hangs   well,   her   jacket   fits    trimly,    and   her 
shoes,    too.     Her    appearance    suggests    "pertness" 
that  her  manner  and  -fashion  of  speech  quickly  deny) 
MISS  KAYE 

You  rang,  Mr.  Torrey? 

TORREY 

Yes,  Miss  Kaye.     I  want  those  other  bridge-plans. 

Where's  Mr.  Farren? 
MISS  KAYE  (as  she  fetches  them  from  filing-cabinet) 

He's  stepped  out  for  a  moment,  to  the  'phone-booth. 
TORREY  (quizzically) 

Why?    Aren't  our  'phones  working? 

MISS    KAYE 

It  was  an  outside  call,  Mr.  Torrey.     They  sent  up 
for  him. 

TORREY 

Yes !      (Slightly  annoyed)     But  that's  the   second 
time  in  half  an  hour.     I'm  afraid  our  Mr.  Farren 
is  getting  too  popular — with  the  ladies. 
MISS  KAYE  (impersonally) 
It's  the  holiday-season,  sir. 

TORREY 

Yes — that    may    account    for    his    preoccupations, 
lately.— Eh? 

MISS    KAYE 

Yes,  sir. 
TORREY  (looking  at  blue-print) 

Clever  fellow — Farren.    Will  get  on — if  he  gets  hold 
of  the  right  girl.     (Takes  letter  from  her) 

MISS    KAYE 

Other  way  about,  sir — the  letter !     (She  turns  it) 


AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS?  93 

TORREY  ( with  double  meaning) 

Yes — I  did  have  it  upside  down.  (Miss  Kaye  crosses 
to  exit  left,  as  Farren  enters,  back.  Farren  is  a 
good-looking  youth,  in  the  early  twenties,  cheery, 
buoyant,  but  in  no  degree  bumptious.  Despite  the 
inherent  tragedy  of  the  story,  he  does  not  bear  him 
self  as  if  he  were  consumed  by  a  gnawing  sense  of 
sin,  nor  bending  under  a  burden  of  secret  woe. 
Which  suggestion  is  added  for  the  guidance  of  the 
actor  of  the  role.) 

TORREY  (calling) 

Miss  Kaye,  have  them  'phone  Mrs.  Torrey — and  put 
me  on  here.  (Miss  Kaye  exits.  Torrey,  to  Farren, 
quizzically)  Will  you  be  free,  now,  for  a  while? 

FARREN   (catching  his  meaning) 

Well — I — I've  a  slight  cold,  Mr.  Torrey — and  I 
went  out  for  some — some — aspirin. 

TORREY  (dryly) 

Yes,  but  that's  the  second  dose  this  morning.  You 
should  take  that  kind  of  dope  in  water — not  by  tele 
phone.  It  can  lead  to  heart-trouble.  (Goes  right 
on,  in  same  tone)  I  want  you  to  compare  these 
blue-prints.  I'm  taking  them  to  New  York.  I  ex 
pect  to  close  that  bridge-contract.  If  I  do,  there'll 
be  double  work  here  for  all  of  us — and  double  salary 
for  you. 

FARREN 

Gee  whiz  ! — That's  ripping  of  you ! 

TORREY 

Then  you  rip  off  a  few  'phone-calls — and  part  of 
your  dance-programmes,  and  a  few  courses  out  of 
your  two-hour  lunches — like  yesterday. 


94  AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS? 

FARREN 

Yes — that  did  happen  a  couple  of  times  lately.  But, 
usually,  Mr.  Torrey,  I'm  right  here ! 

TORREY 

Indeed  you're  not  here — even  when  you  are!  (Pats 
him  on  the  back)  You're  away  off  somewhere — 
gathering  wool  on  the  seashore,  or  picking  peaches 
in  tea-gardens. — Why,  I've  caught  you  mooning  over 
the  ground-plan  of  an  oil-tank  as  though  it  were 
her  portrait ! — Cut  it,  boy ! — I  want  to  feel  that  you 
know  this  office  from  A  to  Z — in  case  we  lose  Miss 
Kaye! 

FARREN  (alert) 

Why?     Will  she  be  leaving? 

TORREY 

Why,  of  course! — You  don't  suppose  that  corking 
girl  was  meant  to  stick  here? — Get  the  run  of  things 
— so  when  she  goes  we  won't  miss  her  too  much ! 
(Farren  cuts  a  wry  face,  which  Torrey  notes  out 
the  corner  of  his  eye.)  (Miss  Kaye  re-enters  from 
left;  she  brings  a  number  of  typewritten  letter- 
sheets,  and  several  large  filing-envelopes) 
MISS  KAYE  (placing  letter-sheets  before  Torrey) 

They're  ready  to  sign.  (Makes  to  cross  to  filing- 
case,  right) 

FARREN  (intervening  alertly) 
I'll  file  those,  Miss  Kaye. 

MISS    KAYE 

Thank  you.  (She  hands  him  the  envelopes,  one  by 
one,  which  he  puts  into  various  drawers  of  the  filing- 
case.  Torrey  is  signing  letters) 


AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS?  95 

TOR  KEY  (to  Miss  Kaye) 
Did  you  get  Mrs.  Torrey? 

MISS    KAYE 

No,  sir. — Mrs.  Torrey's  lying  down,  they  said — and 
couldn't  answer! 

TORREY 

Tell  'em  7  want  her. 

MISS    KAYE 

I  did,  but  the  maid  said  Mrs.  Torrey  has  a  head 
ache — and  gave  orders  not  to  disturb  her. 

TORREY 

Well,  then,  leave  the  message  with  the  maid — to  tell 
Mrs.  Torrey — later — that  we  leave  for  New  York 
on  the  four  o'clock  train — not  the  five.  (Miss  Kaye 
crosses  to  exit — when  enter  Mrs.  Torrey.  She  is 
approaching  thirty  in  years,  but  has  never  left 
twenty  in  looks — slight  of  figure,  delicate  in  feature; 
coloring  that  of  the  Lily-Maid-of-Astolat  done  in 
porcelain.  She  is  careless,  heartless,  soulless, 
utterly;  but  none-the-less  delightful.  She  is  dressed 
so  well  that  one  would  scarcely  notice  how  well; 
being  one  of  the  women  who  lead  the  fashions  she 
doesn't  follow  them.  She  bursts  in,  excited,  breath 
less,  faint;  closes  the  door  with  a  bang,  leans  with 
her  back  against  it,  as  if  barring  some  one  out.  Half- 
whispers  her  husband's  name)  What  is  it,  child? 
What's  happened?  (Leads  her  to  chair — still  very 
faint) 

MRS.  TORREY  (gasping) 

Nothing!  Wait — I'm  so  frightened!  (Looks  toward 
door.  Torrey  makes  to  go  to  door.  Mrs.  Torrey 
protesting  and  restraining  him)  No,  no ! — Let  him 


96  AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS? 

be! — It's  all  right — now.     (Holds  his  hand  to  her 
cheek) 
TORREY 

Who?— Who  was  it? 

MES.    TORREY 

I  don't  know!     Some  brute — tried  to  speak  to  me! 

Followed  me — ever  since  I've  been  out. 
TORREY  (bewildered) 

But  they  'phoned  just  now  you  were  home — lying 

down — bad  headache. 
MRS.  TORREY  (for  an  instant  disconcerted) 

Well — I — I — thought   a   walk   would   help   me — the 

crisp,  cold  air.     (Puts  hands  over  eyes)     Now  it's 

worse  than  ever!    (Appears  about  to  faint) 
TORREY  (in  alarm) 

Vera,  dear! 
MISS  KAYE  (going  to  water-cooler) 

Some  water — (Offers  glass  to  Torrey)     Dash  this 

in  her  face. 
MRS.  TORREY  (instantly  quite  herself) 

Don't !     (Resumes  faintness)     Isn't  necessary. 
MISS  KAYE  (looks  rather  than  says) 

I  thought  so !     (Turns  glass  to  show  it  is  empty) 

TORREY 

But  you  shouldn't  have  come  out — 
MRS.  TORREY  (plaintively) 

Don't  scold  me,  please !     I  had  to  go  to  Bailey's — 

the  jewelers,  for  something. 
TORREY 

Why  didn't  you  'phone?     They'd  have  sent  it  home. 

MRS.    TORREY 

I  was  afraid  they  wouldn't — in  time — before  we  left. 


AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS?  97 

And  I  wanted  you  to  have  it  to-day — your  New 
Years  present.  (Hands  him  a  small  packet,  which 
he  places  on  table)  I  wouldn't  have  come  out  but 
for  that ! — And  who'd  think  he'd  dare — on  the  street 
— broad  daylight — that  beast ! 
TORREY  (distressed) 

You  should  have  jumped  into  a  taxi — or  called  an 
officer ! 

MRS.    TORREY 

And  make  a  street-scene? — I  thought,  of  course, 
he'd  turn  away,  but  when  I  got  to  the  building — 
there  he  was — at  my  heels — followed  me  in — got  in 
the  elevator — and  off  at  this  floor!  (Torrey  starts 
for  the  door;  she  stops  him)  No,  please,  don't  have 
a  scene.  I  couldn't  stand  it.  Call  a  taxi — send  me 
home. 

TORREY 

I'll  take  you!     (Puts  on  overcoat) 

MRS.    TORREY 

No! — Don't  leave  your  work — break  up  your  day — 
(Glances  at  Farren)     One  of  the  clerks  will  do — 
MISS  KAYE  (jumping  in) 

I'll  see  Mrs.  Torrey  to  the  door. 

TORREY 

No !  Thank  you. — (Makes  ready  to  go.  To  Miss 
Kaye)  And  in  case  I'm  not  back  to-day — send  these 
prints  to  New  York — special  delivery.  They  must 
have  them  at  once.  And,  Farren,  you  come  along — 
for  any  further  instructions.  (Miss  Kaye  exits  left. 
Farren  opens  the  door,  waits  for  Torrey  and  Mrs. 
Torrey  to  precede.  As  Mrs.  Torrey  is  about  to  step 
out,  she  starts  back,  in  a  panic) 


98  AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS? 

MKS.    TORREY 

There  he  is — waiting!     (Farren  makes  to  rush  out, 

but  Torrey  pushes  him  back) 
TORREY 

Stay   here — with   Mrs.    Torrey — till   I   come   back. 

(Exits  quickly.     Farren  remains  near  door,  which 

he  holds  slightly  open.    Instantly  there  is  a  turmoil 

in  the  corridor,  loud  voices,  etc.)  (Farren  opens  the 

door  wide — and  makes  to  exit) 
MRS.  TORREY  (stopping  him) 

No ! — Close  the  door ! 
FARREN  (still  at  door) 

Your  husband  sent  him  sprawling!      (The   turmoil 

in  corridor  increases:  cries  of  "Police!"  etc.) 

MRS.    TORREY 

Shut  the  door! — They'll  see  me. 

FARREN    ("No") 

They're  going  now.     (Closes  door,  comes  down) 

MRS.    TORREY 

Before  he  comes  in — quick!  (She  kisses  him;  he 
half  turns  away)  Oh,  what  a — !  (Tries  to  kiss 
him  again;  he  jumps  back,  motions  "caution,"  and 
points  to  door.  Mrs.  Torrey  goes  to  door,  opens  it 
slightly.  Re-assuringly)  No  one ! 
FARREN  (at  window) 

There's  a  crowd  below — at  the  door. 

MRS.   TORREY 

Mr.  Torrey  there? 
FARREN  (peering  out) 
I  don't  see  him. 

MRS.   TORREY 

Where's   he   gone? 


AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS? 


FARREN  (troubled) 

I  don't  know — unless — (Hesitates) 
MRS.  TORREY  (alarmed) 

He  won't  have  that  fool  arrested? 
FARREN  (still  at  window) 

No — but  some  one  may  have  brought  an  officer — 
MRS.  TORREY  (with  temper) 

Damn  it !    If  he's  dragged  me  into  this ! — Of  course, 

Felix  would  over-do  it!     (Torrey  re-enters.    He  is 

pale  from  anger,  but  unfturried.    He  rubs  knuckles 

of  right  hand)     Is  he  gone? 
TORREY  (with  meaning) 

Quite!     (Touches  barked  knuckles  with  kerchief) 

MRS.   TORREY 

You're  hurt,  poor  dear!  (Looks  at  his  hurt  hand 
and  winces) 

TORREY 

Nothing. 
MRS.  TORREY  (annoyed) 

Why  d'you  strike  him? 
TORREY  (with  a  quizzical  smile) 

What  did  you  want  me  to  do?     Invite  him  to  lunch? 

MRS.   TORREY 

No — but  to  upset  me  like  this ! 

TORREY 

He's  the  one  "upset"! 
MRS.  TORREY  (uneasy) 

What  did  he  say — before  you  hit  him? 

TORREY 

Nothing,  before — and  less  after.  (To  Farren)  Look 
up  the  next  train  to  New  York — express.  (Farren 
exits,  right) 


100  AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS? 

MRS.    TORREY 

Oh,  don't  let's  go  to-day !  I'm  all — (Gesture  of  dis 
traction) 

TORREY 

You  must — and  at  once! — Before  the  newspapers 
learn  of  this  affair — and  reporters  come  bothering. 
— I  don't  want  your  name  to  figure  in  this — not  for 
worlds,  dear! 

MRS.   TORREY 

Good  heavens,  no ! — Come ! 
TORREY   (embarrassed) 

I  can't  go,  just  yet. — Later,  perhaps,  but — 

MRS.    TORREY 

Why?  What  is  it?  (Panicky)  He  DID  say  some 
thing? 

TORREY 

No,  no — but  the  man  is  rather  badly  hurt.  I  struck 
harder  than  I  knew — and  he  fell  against  a  granite 
column  in  the  hall — and  hurt  his  head.  Just  how 
serious  they  can't  tell  till  they  get  him  to  the  hos 
pital.  They  want  me  to  be  here,  if  anything — hap 
pens.  (Some  one  rattles  the  door-knob,  as  if  trying 
to  enter;  then  knocks  two  or  three  times  on  the  door) 

TORREY  (calling) 

Yes,  yes !  (Goes  to  door;  opens  slightly;  speaks 
off)  Just  a  moment  more. 

MRS.  TORREY  (panicky) 
Who  is  it? 

TORREY  (lightly) 

Some  one  to  show  me — to  the  magistrate's. 

MRS.   TORREY 

An  officer? 


AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS?  101 

TORREY  (nods  "yes") 

But  in  plain  clothes.  No  one  will  notice — and  it's 
just  around  the  corner — the  magistrate's  office. — 
And  you  take  the  next  train. 

MRS.  TORREY  (in  tone  of  poignant  distress) 

Oh,  but  I  can't  do  that! — Go  'way  and  leave  you 
here — in  all  this  trouble!  I  should  go  mad  with 
anxiety  and  loneliness! 

TORREY 

But  you'll  be  with  friends.  They're  expecting  us. 
They've  arranged  a  jolly  party  for  this  evening — 
dinner,  theatre,  and  to  dance  the  New  Year  in! 

MRS.   TORREY 

Yes,  but  it's  hours  till  then — Hours!  And  mean 
while  I'd  have  to  be  alone — and  every  minute  would 
seem  a  year ! — I  couldn't  do  it !  (Farren  re-enters) 
And  the  journey  over  there — all  by  myself! — I'd 
jump  off  the  train! 

TORREY 

No,  no,  you  needn't  go  alone.  Some  one  must  take 
you  over.  (To  Farren)  Farren,  I  hate  to  disturb 
your  holiday  plans — but  you'll  have  to  see  Mrs.  Tor- 
rey  to  New  York.  I  want  her  out  of  town  till  this 
little  trouble  blows  over.  You'd  better  take  the  next 
train. 

FARREN 

Yes,  sir. — Three  o'clock. 
MRS.  TORREY  (drying  her  eyes;  protesting) 

A  nice   show  I'll  make  of  myself — crying  my  eyes 

out — before  a  car  full  of  people ! 
TORREY  (rings) 

No  one  will  see  you.     (To  Miss  Kaye,  who  enters) 


102  AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS? 

Miss  Kaye,  'phone  or  send  to  the  Pullman  office — 
hold  the  drawing-room  on  the  three  o'clock  train  for 
New  York.  Reserve  in  name  of  Mr.  Farren.  He'll 
call  for  it  at  the  station.  (To  Farren)  And  see 
Mrs.  Torrey  has  something  to  read — and  cheer  her 
up. — Now,  don't  worry,  dearest. — Soon  as  they  find 
Judge  Latham,  or  some  other,  bail  will  be  arranged, 
and  I'll  probably  be  with  you  before  theatre's  out. 

MRS.   TORREY 

You  will  come  over,  later? 

TORREY 

Of  course,  girl!  I  wouldn't  miss  this  evening  with 
you  for  anything  in  the  world!  Think  of  it — New 
Year's  eve !  and  me  away  from  you  when  those  chimes 
ring  out  at  midnight ! — I'd  blow  up  the  j  ail ! 

MRS.   TORREY 

Yes,  you  must!  But  call  me  up  on  long-distance, 
the  moment  you  find  you  can  come  over.  Promise 
you  will! — I  won't  know  a  minute's  peace  'til  then. 
And  this  young  man  can  wait  for  the  message — at 
the  hotel — so  I'm  sure  to  get  it.  You  can't  trust 
those  'phone  girls,  at  hotels.  (The  knock  on  door 
resumes,  rather  more  insistent) 

TORREY  (to  Mrs.  Torrey)  Good-bye,  and  don't  worry ! 
(Kisses  her.  To  Farren)  You  stay  over  'til  you 
hear  from  me. — If  it's  too  late  to  come  back,  the 
hotel-valet  will  give  you  what  you  need  for  the  night. 
(Exits  quickly.  Farren  attends  him  to  the  door, 
then  comes  down  slowly.  An  ambulance-gong  heard 
from  street) 

FARREN  (at  window) 

Gee  whiz! — Ambulance!     (Distressed)     What  luck! 


AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS?  103 

(Mrs.  Torrey,  who  seemingly  lias  been  on  the  verge 
of  tears,  emerges  from  behind  her  kerchief  with  a 
broad  smile  of  mischief) 

MRS.    TORREY 

Yes!    Better  even  than  I  hoped  for! 

FARREN    (puzzled) 

"Hoped"?     (Mrs.   Torrey  nods  "yes"  and  laughs 

lightly)     Good  God! — You  don't  mean  you  planned 

all  this? 
MRS.  TORREY  (nods  more  vigorously,  and  smiles  as  if 

pleased  with  herself) 

Not  all  of  it,  no  !     Not  that — mess — out  there ! 
FARREN  (utterly  at  sea) 

And  that  man  didn't  follow  you? 

MRS.   TORREY 

Yes,  of  course ! 

FARREN 

And  flirted  with  you? 

MRS.  TORREY  (nods  "yes") 

With  a  little  help.  (Laughs)  He  didn't  need  much ! 
(Noting  that  Farren  doesnt  share  her  fun)  Now 
don't  look  so  shocked! — At  first  I  thought,  maybe, 
it  was  some  one  I  knew — and  so,  perhaps,  I  looked 
at  him — and  possibly  I  smiled.  I  don't  know. 

FARREN  (peeved) 

Well,  you  certainly  know  whether  or  not  you — en 
couraged  him. 

MRS.   TORREY 

I  guess  he  thought  so ! 

FARREN 

But— -why'd  you  do  it?— What  for? 


104  AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS? 

MRS.   TORREY 

For  you,  silly !    And  for  me ! — so  I  could  get  out  of 

going  to  New  York  with  Felix — and  maybe  see  you 

this  evening. 
FARREN  (embarrassed) 

But  you  knew  I'd  an  engagement — this  evening. 
MRS.  TORREY  (slightingly) 

With  one  of  the  typewriters? 

FARREN 

With  Miss  Kaye.     It  was  arranged  days  ago. 

MRS.    TORREY 

So  was  my  trip  to  New  York — with  Mr.  Torrey. — 
But  we  never  dreamed,  you  and  I,  this  could  happen 
— so  wonderfully !    I  lay  awake  half  the  night  trying 
to  think  how  I  could  manage — and  woke  up  with 
nothing  better  than  a  headache.     I  knew  he'd  talk 
me  out  of  that,  so  I  thought  I'd  best  run  down  and 
lunch  with  him  and — faint  at  table ! 
FARREN  (vacantly) 
You're  a  wonder! 

MRS.  TORREY 

Yes,  I  do  faint  rather  well! — But  just  after  I 
'phoned  you,  the  first  time,  that  beast  turned  up — 
stood  at  the  booth  as  I  came  out,  as  though  he'd 
been  listening.  That  made  me  uneasy — so  I  'phoned 
you  again,  not  to  meet  me. — I  thought  sure  he  was 
tracking  me. 

FARREN  (not  understanding) 
"Tracking" ? 

MRS.  TORREY  (nods  "  yes"  ) 

Detective — I  thought — watching  me. 


AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS?  105 

FARREN 

But  why? — who   would ?     He's  never  seen  you 

speak  to  me — your  husband. 

MRS.   TORREY 

Not  he!  Some  one  else.  A  friend  of  Felix.  He's 
mad  about  me — and  jealous  of  you.  He's  seen  us 
together  once  or  twice  at  that  road-house,  in  the 
park.  And  he's  acting  like  a  fool. 

FARREN 

Who  is  he? — That  riding-master  you  spoke  of? 
MRS.  TORREY  (witli  a  wince  of  disgust)  ("No") 
That  was  in  Palm  Beach — a  year  ago. 

FARREN 

Not  that  cad  of  a  dancer,  from  the  hotel  cabaret? 

MRS.   TORREY 

No !     He's  left  town. 

FARREN   (insistent) 
Who  is  it,  then? 

MRS.  TORREY  (flaring) 
None  of  your  business ! 

FARREN  (abashed) 

Of  course  not!  (Pulling  himself  together)  I  beg 
your  pardon,  Mrs.  Toriey. 

MRS.  TORREY  ( pettingly ) 

Now  you're  a  dear  boy,  again !  But  if  you're  going 
to  be  jealous — and  ask  questions,  like  all  the  others 
— you'll  spoil  it  all !  You  men  are  wonders  !  Always 
so  suspicious ! — If  you  weren't  the  one  I  really  cared 
for,  would  I  ever  have  thought  of  all  this? — Play 
street-tag  with  a  stranger,  let  him  follow  me  almost 
to  the  door — and  frighten  me  half  to  death — so  I 
could  faint  decently? — And  all  just  to  see  you  for 


106  AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS? 

maybe  an  hour  this  evening?     Only  love  can  find  a 
way  like  that! — And  once,  there,  I  nearly  lost  my 
nerve. 
FARREN  (dryly) 

I  hadn't  noticed  it. 

MRS.    TORREY 

But  I  did — when  that  frump  of  a  typewriter  started 
to  drench  me — for  a  moment  I  lost  my  nerve,  and 
you,  poor  dear,  lost  your  New  Year's  gift. — Here 
it  is  (takes  gold  cigarette-case  from  the  box  that  she 
had  given  Torrey)  with  your  monogram — "T.  F." 
That's  what  I  came  out  for — and  'phoned  you  to 
meet  me — to  give  it  to  you. — And  now  Felix  will 
carry  it !  It's  all  right,  though.  He'll  take  "T.  F." 
for  his  initials,  "F.  T."  Well,  I'll  think  of  you 
whenever  I  see  him  use  it — and  you,  I  suppose,  will 
have  a  good  laugh. 
FARREN  (distressed) 

Don't !    Please  don't ! — He's  such  a  splendid  chap ! 

MRS.    TORREY 

Don't  take  it  so  tragic,  Tomkins ! 

FARREN 

Well,  isn't  it  rather  tragic — for  him? 
MRS.  TORREY  (piqued) 

If  you  feel  that  way,  we'll  stop  right  where  we  are ! 
FARREN  (eagerly) 

It  isn't  too  late! 

MRS.    TORREY 

That's  for  me  to  say,  isn't  it?  It  is  the  woman's 
privilege,  I  believe,  to  draw  back.  Yesterday,  in 
the  park,  when  I  merely  hinted  such  a  thing — you 


AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS?  107 

said  you'd  die — (imitating)  for  me — "of  a  broken 
heart." 

FARREN 

Yes — but  I  don't  like  the  idea  of  this  other  chap 
dying — of  a  broken  head. — Somehow,  hang  it ! — that 
takes  it  out  of  a  fellow. 

MRS.   TORREY 

Of  course,  if  you're  afraid  some  day  Felix  may  send 
you  sprawling 

FARREN  (breaking  in) 

I'm  not  thinking  of  myself,  nor  him,  nor  anything 
but  you — the  risk  you're  running — the  danger  you're 
in — now  and  all  your  future — just  for  a  caprice — 
a  moment's  fancy — that  you'll  forget  in  a  month. 

MRS.  TORREY  (chaffingly) 

We'U  talk  about  that  in  New  York. 

FARREN 

Do  you  think,  after  what's  happened,  I  ought  to  go  ? 
MRS.  TORREY  (witJi  mock  gravity) 

No! — But  we'll  talk  it  over  on  the  train,  Tomkins! 

(Farren  shows  indecision — reluctance) 
MRS.  TORREY  (with  temper) 

Oh,   maybe   you'd   prefer   to   stay   here,   with   Miss 

Kaye? 
FARREN  (troubled) 

No — I  was  only  wondering — well,  I  think  she  knows 

you  'phoned  me  to-day. 

MRS.   TORREY 

What  of  it?  She  heard  Mr.  Torrey  tell  you— And 
I  won't  go  without  you. — Think  of  it!  New  Year's 
Eve!  Music  and  dancing,  at  every  turn. — Every- 


108  AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS? 

body  gay,  and  having  a  good  time,  with  some  one 
they  care  for. — And  me  over  there  alone ! 

FARREN 

But  you'll  be  with  friends ! 

MRS.   TORREY 

Who  wants  to  be  with  friends  at  such  a  time? — And 
a  fine  lot  of  stupid  old  fluffs — trying  to  be  jolly  be 
cause  they're  a  year  older !  (Nervously)  Why, 
when  those  chimes  ring  out  at  midnight  I'd  go  mad 
— want  to  kick  over  the  table  and  smash  things ! — 
You'll  simply  have  to  come  along — to  save  the 
china ! ! 
FARREN  (dissuadingly) 

Yes — but  Mr.  Torrey  doesn't  mean I'll  not  be 

in  the  party. 

MRS.  TORREY 

Neither  will  I,  stupid ! — I'll  have  a  killing  headache, 
from  worry,  all  the  way  over. — It's  beginning  now. — 
And  if  they  drag  me  off  to  dinner,  I'll  faint  before 
the  salad. — Now  come  along,  Tomkins.  (Miss  Kaye 
enters  from  left,  in  season  to  hear  the  "Tomkins." 
Crosses  to  Torrey's  desk,  from  whicfh  she  takes  a 
bank-cheque) 
MISS  KAYE  (to  Farren) 

Mr.  Torrey's  just  'phoned  for  the  pay-roll  cheque; 
he  forgot  to  sign  it.  Will  you  take  it  to  him,  at 
the  magistrate's  office? 

MRS.   TORREY 

Is  there  time? 
FARREN  (looking  at  watch) 

Ample — it's  only  a  few  steps.     (Makes  to  exit) 


AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS?  109 

MISS    KAYE 

And  will  you  please  fetch  the  money  from  the  bank? 
(Farren  exits)  Feeling  better,  Mrs.  Torrey? 

MRS.   TORREY 

Much. 

MISS   KAYE 

Well  enough  to  travel  alone? 

MRS.  TORREY 

I  shouldn't  care  to  risk  it. — Mr.  Torrey's  clerk  will 
see  me  over. 

MISS    KAYE 

Yes,  I  know ;  but  I  was  hoping  if  you've  quite  re 
covered  from  the  shock,  you  might  manage  without 
Mr.  Farren. 

MRS.   TORREY 

You  need  him  here?     (Indicates  tlie  office) 

MISS    KAYE 

Very    much — in    case    anything   happens — and   Mr. 
Torrey  is  detained  elsewhere. 
MRS.  TORREY  ( as  if  it  didn't  matter) 

You  should  have  told  my  husband,  and  he'd  sent  one 
of  the  other  clerks. 

MISS    KAYE 

You  won't  mind,  then,  if  I  arrange  for  some  one  else, 
'stead  of  Mr.  Farren? 

MRS.   TORREY 

Not  in  the  least !  (Miss  Kaye  makes  to  exit)  But  I 
do  mind  your  interfering  with  my  husband's  orders 
to  this  Mister — er — what-you-call-him? 

MISS    KAYE 

"Tomkins?"  (Mrs.  Torrey,  startled,  appears  about 
to  faint)  (With  seeming  anxiety)  Don't  faint, 


110  AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS? 

please,  Mrs.  Torrey!  He'll  be  back  in  a  few  min 
utes,  and  I've  a  lot  to  say. 

MRS.   TORREY 

It  couldn't  possibly  interest  me.      (Seizes  her  muff 
from  desk,  and  makes  to  go  impetuously) 
MISS  KAYE  (blocking  the  way) 

You  can't  go  now,  Mrs.  Torrey !  Two  reporters 
are  waiting  (nods  toward  hall)  for  an  interview  and 
snap-shot. 

MRS.   TORREY 

Then  get  back  to  your  work — where  you  belong! 
Before  you  regret  your  impudence. 

MISS  KAYE  (with  feeling) 

I  regret  it  now. — I'd  be  horribly  ashamed  if  I  didn't 
regret  it  all  my  life.  Ten  minutes  ago  I  wouldn't 
have  been  capable  of  such  brazen  impudence,  and  I 
won't  be  again  ten  minutes  from  now.  So  I  must 
tell  you  quick: — you're  going  to  New  York  without 
Mr.  "Tomkins"! 

MRS.  TORREY  (after  a  slight  pause) 

When  I  tell  Mr.  Torrey  this — he  won't  believe  me. 

MISS    KAYE 

Oh,  yes !     He'll  believe  anything  you  tell  him. — Or 
he'd  never  sent  that  poor  fool  to  the  hospital! 
MRS.  TORREY  (flaring) 

I  suppose  the  brute  didn't  follow  me? 

MISS  KAYE 

Oh,  I  guess  he  followed  you,  all  right!  What  man 
wouldn't,  once  he  got  your  eye,  and  a  sniff  of  your 
violet  and  lilac  and  sachet  stuff  flirted  at  him? — Of 
course  he'll  follow  you.  It's  the  nature  of  the  brute, 
even  a  nice,  clean  young  brute,  like  this  chap  here 


AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS?  Ill 

was  till  you I  don't  know  what  you've  done  to 

him — but — why — after  one  of  your  'phone-calls  he 
can't  look  me  in  the  face ! 

MRS.   TORREY 

Have  you  any  claim  on  him?  You  going  to  marry 
him? 

MISS  KAYE 

Yes. 

MRS.   TORREY 

I  didn't  know  that. 

MISS  KAYE 

Neither  does  he !  But  he'll  know  it — when  he  comes 
out  of  the  ether. 

MRS.    TORREY    (puzzled) 

"Ether"? 

MISS  KAYE  (nodding  "yes") 

Or  whatever  the  drug  you  are  to  him ! — So  a  touch 
of  your  hand,  and  he's  in  a  trance!  A  smile  from 
you  sets  him  dreaming,  like  laughing  gas.  (With 
rising  anger)  And  a  kiss,  I  s'pose,  puts  him  to  sleep, 
like  knock-out  drops ! 

MRS.  TORREY  (dryly) 

If  that's  all  the  drug,  I  wonder  you  don't  try  it  on 
him!  I  imagine  he'd  take  it,  with  a  little  coaxing. 
(With  a  change  of  tone)  But  aren't  you  rather 
unfair  to  me — and  to  him?  He's  clever,  attractive, 
ambitious  to  get  the  best  in  the  world;  and  I  mean 
to  help  him  on.  What  could  you  give  him?  (Looks 
in  mirror  of  vanity-case) 

MISS  KAYE 

Just  as  good  as  you,  and  then  some! — if  it  comes 
to  that.  Silky  things  and  furs  and  almond-cream 


112  AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS? 

are  very  nice.  But  you  can  do  a  lot  with  fresh  air 
and  Fairy  soap.  And  I'd  give  him  all  the  best  that's 
in  a  woman — not  the  worst.  And  if  I  ever  tired  of 
him — and  that  can  happen  to  any  of  us! — why,  I'd 
quit  and  get  out,  and  not  go  on  taking  his  money 
and  his  love  and  devotion  and  give  him  back  nothing 
but — street-mud !  I  wouldn't  let  him  make  a  queen, 
an  idol,  of  me,  while  I  made  a  monkey  of  him ! 

MES.  TOEEEY   (laughing  at  her,  but  with  no  show  of 
malice) 

You  poor  thing!  You  have  it  bad!  But  I  can  un 
derstand.  He's  a  dear  boy. — And  having  him  about 
you  all  the  time — you  can't  help  loving  him.  Any 
woman  would  be — interested. 

MISS  KAYE  (derisively) 

"Interested"?  How  long?  One  month?  Two? 
Three,  at  the  most.  That's  your  limit !  You  change 
with  the  seasons  :  Newport — Lenox — White  Sulphur 
— Palm  Beach — Town ! — And  in  between — excursions 
— like  this  one,  now,  with  a  chap  you'll  "cut"  on  the 
street  long  before  the  Spring  hats  come  in. 

MES.    TOEEEY 

That's  only  a  few  weeks  off;  they're  showing  mod 
els  now. — Can't  you  wait  that  long? — You're  very 
impatient  all  of  a  sudden — now  that  you  think  I  care 
for  him. 

MISS  KAYE  (derisively) 

"Care  for  him" !  Just  now  it  was  "interested" !  Why 
not  come  out  with  it?  Say  you're  in  love  with  him! 

MES.  TOEEEY  (amused) 

Love's  a  very  serious  word.  And  I've  only  come  to 
care  for  him  since (Uncertain) 


AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS?  113 

MISS   KAYE 

Since  when — do  you  "care  for  him"?  Since  that 
Paris  painter  finished  your  portrait?  Since  the  pri 
vate  theatricals  coached  by  the  handsome  actor, 
whose  wife  made  a  scene  that  wasn't  in  the  play? 
Or  since  you  learned  the  latest  dance  steps  from 

that 

MRS.  TORREY  (breaking  in,  angrily) 

I  s'pose  you've  told  Mr.  Farren  all  these — slanders ! 

MISS   KAYE 

I'd  die  before  I'd  let  on — or  use  such  means — or  even 

mention  Mr.  Torrey's  Wife  to  him.     But  don't  you 

suppose  Tom's  heard — things? 
MRS.  TORREY  (lightly) 

Nothing  I  haven't  told  him.     And  if  you  think  that 

would  stop  him 

MISS  KAYE  (with  a  smile,  rather  bitter) 

I'm  not  such  a  fool — to  think  that  would  stop  him! 

That's  how  you  keep  them  going. 

MRS.   TORREY 

How  old  are  you? 

MISS  KAYE 

Nineteen. 

MRS.   TORREY 

You  know  a  lot  for  an  unmarried  woman. 

MISS   KAYE 

I've  always  worked  for  married  men. 

MRS.   TORREY 

I  know  one  you  won't  work  for — after  this.  You 
can't  remain  here,  Miss  Kaye. 

MISS   KAYE 

I  shouldn't  wish  to.     You'd  make  my  life  a  torture. 


114  AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS? 

and  your  own  a  scandal.  Even  now  you  put  your 
good  name  at  the  mercy  of  every  gabbling  'phone- 
girl  in  the  building.  You'd  risk  even  more  than  you 
did  to-day,  now  that  you  know  what  Tom  Farren 
means  to  me. 

MRS.    TORREY    (loftily) 

Don't  flatter  yourself ! 

MISS  KAYE 

Why,  that's  half  the  game  for  you — the  best  half! 
'Tisn't  so  much  the  man  you're  after — nor  your  own 
happiness — but  just  the  joy  of  making  some  other 
woman  wretched.  You're  like  a  spoiled,  vicious  child, 
with  a  dish  of  cake  before  it.  You're  not  content 
with  mouth  and  hands  and  pockets  full — but  you 
must  snatch  a  bite  out  of  everybody  else's  share — 
and  then  throw  it  on  the  floor ! — Take  all  you  choose 
from  other  people — but  hands  off  mine!  For  me, 
there's  only  one  slice  of  cake  in  the  world — and  I 
won't  have  it  mussed  up ! 

MRS.   TORREY 

You  are  fussy — over  your  "cookie" ! — Where's  your 
pride  and  womanhood?  You're  nothing  to  him!  He 
was  ready  enough — you  saw — to  go  on  this  "excur 
sion"  ! 

MISS   KAYE 

Mr.  Torrey's  orders — he  couldn't  get  out  of  it! 

MRS.    TORREY 

He  can  now,  if  he  chooses.     And  he  shall  choose! 

The  moment  he  comes  in,  I'll  tell  him 

MISS  KAYE  (panicky) 
No! 


AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS?  115 

MRS.  TORREY  (continuing) 

Just  what  you've  told  me — "cake"  and  all. 
MISS  KAYE  (in  tone  of  appeal) 

You  wouldn't  dare ! 

MRS.    TORREY 

Wait  and  see! 

MISS   KAYE 

No,  I  won't.     (Crosses  to  exit  left)     (Brokenly)  Do 

as  you  like — and  he,  too  !    Go  or  stay — I'm  done 

(Makes  to  exit) 

MRS.  TORREY  (blocking  tlie  way) 

You  can't  go  now,  Miss  Kaye.  And  don't  faint, 
please !  He'll  be  here  any  moment — and  now  it's  up 
to  him,  alone!  (At  the  top  of  the  quarrel,  Torrey 
re-enters,  followed  by  Farren.  Mrs.  Torrey  rushes 
eagerly  to  her  husband,  nestles  against  him,  as  if  for 
support)  Felix,  dear. 

TORREY 

What  is  it?     What's  wrong? 

MRS.   TORREY 

Why,   that   young  person    forgot  her   place.      I — I 
didn't  want  to  go  to  New  York  alone — without  you 
— and  she  was  insisting  I  must! 
MISS  KAYE 

Only  because  you  advised  it,  sir. 

TORREY 

Quite  right,  Miss  Kaye.  (To  Mrs.  Torrey)  But 
we're  going  together — as  we  arranged. — Judge  La 
tham  fixed  matters  easily.  They  'phoned  from  the 
hospital  the  man  isn't  badly  hurt  at  all.  Was  only 
stunned — and  has  come  to  his  senses. 


116  AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS? 

MISS   KAYE 

Didn't  have  far  to  go  (with  deferential  nod  toward 
Mrs.  Torrey)  if  he'd  make  such  a  mistake. 

TORREY 

Says,  of  course,  he  thought  he  knew  you. 

MRS.    TORREY 

They  always  say  that — the  beasts! 

TORREY    (to   Ills   Wife) 

Took  you  for  one  of  his  former  pupils. 

MRS.  TORREY 

A  dancer? 

TORREY 

No;  he's  a  riding-master,  from  Palm  Beach.  And 
seems  not  such  a  bad  sort,  after  all.  Swears  he  can't 
recall  a  thing  that  happened — except  that  he  was 
kicked  by  a  horse.  Admits  he  only  got  what  he  de 
served,  and  begs  the  lady  will  forgive  him. 

MRS.  TORREY  (indignant) 

I?  Never!  After  what  I've  gone  through  because 
of  him.  (As  she  makes  to  exit,  with  husband)  Happy 
New  Year,  Miss  Kaye.  (Husband  nudges  her  and 
nods  toward  Tom)  Oh — and  you,  too,  Mister — er — 
Tomkins. 

TORREY  (correcting) 
Farren ! 

MRS.    TORREY 

Yes,  of  course.     And  I  meant  he  should  have  a  New 

Year's  gift — but  in  the  excitement  to-day (To 

Farren)  Choose  something  for  yourself — handker 
chiefs,  neckties,  socks,  anything  you  like. — And  have 
it  charged  to  Mr.  Torrey.  They'll  understand. 
(Farren  opens  his  mouth  to  speak,  but  only  gasps, 


AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS?  117 

and  bows  as  Mrs.  Torrey  and  her  husband  exit.  Far- 
ren  stands  dazed  and  mute,  staring  at   the  closed 
door.     Like-wise,  Miss  Kaye,  silent,  peers  into  space 
for  some  seconds) 
MISS  KAYE  (to  herself;  twinkling) 

"Didn't  want  to  go  to  New  York — alone — without 

you"! 

FARREX  (turns  -front,  rather  to  himself) 

Aren't  they  wonders? 
MISS  KAYE  (with  rising  temper) 

Oh,  you're  awake,  are  you?     Out  of  your  trance? 

You've  come  back! 

FARREN 

Forget  it !  (Offers  his  hand,  which  she  refuses  indig 
nantly) 

MISS   KAYE 

Never!  After  what  I've  gone  through — because  of 
you — you — you  big — boob!  (Falls  into  chair,  bur 
ies  her  head  in  her  arms;  and  sobs)  I'm  done  with 

you — from  this  moment  on 

FARREX 

Don't,  girl!  There's  nothing — honor  bright — noth 
ing  to  feel  that  way  about.  Not  this  evening.  Wait 
till  to-morrow — after  the  dance.  Think  of  it !  New 
Year's  Night.  The  moon  in  the  sky — snow  on  the 
ground — sleigh  bells  jingling  all  over  the  place — 
music  and  dancing — and  everybody  jolly  and  happy 
— except  you  and  me !  And  everywhere  in  the  world, 
to-night,  every  man  and  woman  who  love,  hand  in 
hand,  heart  to  heart,  looking  into  the  future!  And 
you  and  I — at  different  ends  of  the  town — looking 


118  AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS? 

out  of  the  window. — And,   gee  whiz!     Girl — when 

those  chimes  ring  out  at  midnight (Touches 

her  hair  caressingly) 
MISS  KAYE  (suddenly  alert,  angrily,  through  her  tears) 

I  suppose  that's  how  you  talked  to  her ! 
FARREN   (ingenuously) 

Lord,  no !     She  wouldn't  listen  to  such  moonshine. 

Why,  when  you  really  know  Mrs.  Torrey — she's  a — 

a — serious  woman! 
MISS  KAYE  (laughing  through  her  tears) 

"Serious"— hell! 

FARREN 

Good !    Now  get  on  your  hat. 

MISS  KAYE 

Where  we  going? 
FARREN  (mopping  his  brow)     First  off — a  long,  cool 

drink.     (Holds  up  her  chin)    Look  at  your  eyes  and 

nose.    All  het  up ! 
MISS  KAYE  (wistfully) 

There's  the  man  of  it!     Breaks  a  girl's  heart — and 

thinks  he  can  fix  it  with  an  ice-cream  soda !     Aren't 

you  wonders?     (She  tiptoes  to  kiss  him,  draws  away 

abruptly)     Did  you  kiss  her  to-day? 
FARREN  (promptly) 

No!    (Amazed)    Kiss — Mrs.  Torrey? 

MISS    KAYE 

You've  never  kissed  her? 
FARREN  (shocked  by  the  suggestion) 

Good  Lord,  no! 
MISS  KAYE  (gravely) 

Word-of-honor,  Tom? 


AREN'T  THEY  WONDERS?  119 

FARREN 

Yes  !     Say  you  believe  me ! 
MISS  KAYE   (nods  "yes") 

I  believe  you — of  course.      (Kisses  him)     But  I'm 
glad  you  lied! 

CUKTAIN 


THIS  BOOK  IS  DUE  ON  THE  LAST  DATE 
STAMPED  BELOW 


AN     INITIAL     FINE     OF     25     CENTS 

WILL  BE  ASSESSED  FOR  FAILURE  TO  RETURN 
THIS  BOOK  ON  THE  DATE  DUE.  THE  PENALTY 
WILL  INCREASE  TO  5O  CENTS  ON  THE  FOURTH 
DAY  AND  TO  $1.OO  ON  THE  SEVENTH  DAY 
OVERDUE. 


DEC     4 


?    1933 
MAR  15  19k 


MAR  15 


NOV    28  1S45 


MAY    6    1948 


LD  21-50m-8,>32 


38Z6U7 

NirdiingerJ  C.  '?. 


N721 
f 


,ook  after  toulsej    Big 


ren 


n*t  the\|  wonders? 


/  4  ifl» 


_ 


Jan  2 


my. 


26  Q7 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 


